Tuesday, December 28, 2010

And...We're Back!


It's time to get busy.   Time to join the fight again, and get back to what I have been working for.

Tomorrow is a big day.   Tomorrow I register.   Tomorrow it's real.    Crap.   What have I gotten myself into.  

Fear is the one thing that can stop me.   It's stopped me in the past, but I will NOT let it now.  I've come too far, and the prize is too close.

I feel so far from the path, but am ready to get on again.     Time to jump on the wagon and enjoy the ride even if I feel like puking.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Today's thoughts are brought to you by Target.....or at least conversations there!


I saw a dear friend of mine at Target yesterday.   It was nice to chat, but we ended up commiserating about how we had "lost a little mojo" on the exercise front.   Me with my injury, and she with some life and home changes that had been going on.   It wasn't a bitch session, but rather....we both ended up saying we really enjoyed having the extra time we used to fill up with exercise.

This really got me thinking.  I really enjoy exercise, and I am really enjoying working towards a goal, but I'm wondering if I am doing it in a completely balanced way.   I mean...having a goal is great, it's exciting, and it's such a rush to complete....but I think perhaps I have been focusing too much on the end result, and not enough on the here and now.

I had noticed that the laundry was piling up, the house wasn't as clean as I liked, and I felt like I was neglecting some of the other aspects of my life.   Now that I've slowed down a little, I have regained the wheel so to speak, on keeping up with that side of my life as well.   I am still exercising and trying to keep up on the training as best as I can, but I am also keeping a watchful eye on the other parts of my life, like home, family, etc.  I've read 2 books...I'm giving myself some much needed quiet time, and I'm liking it!  Oh...and guess what....I've maintained my weight, I'm still exercising albeit in a modified manner, and I'm HAPPIER!

I think I stepped over the line a little.   I got a little obsessed with the goal, and completing it.    I was spending TOO MUCH time on that one thing, and let the balance of my life get out of whack.   I think exercise is like any other drug....too much obsessing about it is NOT a good thing.   I still intend to do the work,  and to go the distance, but not at the expense of everything else.   I can't build my life around a training routine, I have to fit a training routine into MY life.   And perhaps that means I slow down a little.   I have no intention of stopping, just readjusting a little.   When exercise becomes an obsession, it is just as unhealthy as overeating and being a sloth.  I know I have an obsessive tendency to my personality, with all things, healthy or otherwise, so I don't know why realizing this is such a surprise to me.   The key here...is finding balance.

All insights today are courtesy of Target....or at least the conversations I've had there recently!!  Thanks R.   Although you may not know it...that little talk we had yesterday helped me out a lot!  Honestly, I don't think we've lost our mojo, I think we've simply modified it,  found a little balance and regained a little sanity.  And trust me, we'll accomplish our goals, and find it more rewarding knowing that we did it along with being good at a LOT of other things as well.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Tough Girl Radio

I have always loved Pat Benetar.   I sang her songs when they first came out on the radio (remember when you only heard songs on the radio?), I bought her cassette tapes in my teens, I bought her greatest hits CD in my twenties, and I even sang her songs karaoke style at my bachelorette party in my thirties (and maybe a few other times).   I still turn up the radio really loud when I hear her music.   It makes me happy, and fills me with girl power.

This morning as I lay in bed not wanting to get up because it was rainy and chilly, I was listening to the radio, and guess what came on.........Pat Benetar's classic, "Hit me With Your Best Shot."  

I've often said that God is my DJ, and I think that this might be yet another classic case of a higher power communicating with me through my radio.  Ha.  

I've been a little down.   I went to the doctor this week, and although my toe doesn't require surgery, I do have to rest it for a while.   I can't do ANY exercising for 2 weeks, and even then, it's on a wait and see basis.   When you put that on top of the fact that I was sick before this latest foot incident, I will have been out of my training routine for 5 weeks before any CHANCE of returning and I know I won't be at full capacity for at least 6 weeks from now.    It has just seemed like when I get going, really moving ahead, that I get a blow to knock me back.   The toe being the most recent.   Last night I was really starting to feel a little hopeless about it.   I went to bed thinking about how hard I've worked, and that now all that work might have been for nothing, as I might not even be able to participate in this goal I'd set.   I was sad, and feeling a little defeated.

I finally fell asleep (very late) and then woke up to the sound of rain.   I was certain that I was going to have a bad day, and then BAM.....there's Pat.     Now I know that this song isn't about an imaginary entity out there trying to hold me back, but man....that's how I took it this morning, and it just revved me up.   I laid in bed and really listened to what she was saying.....and I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to take it.  

"You come on with your come ons,
you don't fight fair,
that's okay, see if I care.
You knock me down, it's all in vain,
I get back right on my feet again."

By the time this verse came on...I was totally committed.   No giving up.   Knock me down, and I'm back on the horse.   You can't stop me.   It may not be fair, and frankly...I can say, it's NOT.   But I have no choice but to keep moving ahead.   Staying still or falling back are not an option.   I'll be back.   I'll be back, and probably doing better, running faster, and working harder because of this.  

Go ahead world.   Hit me with your best shot.   I'm NOT quitting.    And for this little ray of sanity....I thank you Pat Benetar.   You reminded me what tough girls do when they get knocked down....they get up, dust themselves off, and fight back!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

2010...The year of the Foot!


All I can really do is laugh....although I did cry a little.

This morning in my rush to get the kids out the door so I could prepare for our visitors this weekend, I ran through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, bashed my foot into the suitcase my husband left on the floor last night when he got home, and snapped my pinky toe.    I heard the snap, I knew immediately.     Broken.

So...Jason took me to urgent care for x-rays, and sure enough...the report given was...."you broke it, really good.  Snapped it.   It's not a small break"   Nice.   I held it together until the doctor left the room, and then burst into tears.  

REALLY?   SERIOUSLY?    6-8 WEEKS?   It seems like I was just getting my momentum back and bam.   Now I'm on crutches, and not able to train like I want to for at least 6-8 weeks until this heals and I might need to have it pinned back into place.   (Oh yeah...and it's the same foot I have the coalition in so I have to be extra careful not to cause reinjury to that again!)

I know it's not serious.   I know I'll be fine.   It's not the end of the world.  But man...do you ever feel like the universe is out to screw with your plans?   It feels like there is some unknown negative entity out there that it trying to put the brakes on things for me no matter how hard I try.   One step forward....two back.

I guess this will be a good test of my determination.   I made it through 14 weeks in a boot for the other problem, and continued to move ahead, so I can make it through this.    It's hard not to get frustrated, and it's hard to always put on the positive face when what I really want to do is pout, piss, and moan.   That, however, isn't going to get me anywhere.   I'll give myself a little time to be mad/sad/upset/pissed, and then I'm gonna put it behind me and do what I need to do to get better.   Use my crutches, wear my boot (OMG I am SO bejeweling it this time!), and take the time to heal.

So....2010 will officially be labeled the "Year of the Foot" at my house.   I will have spent approx. 20 weeks of this year nursing wounds to my right foot, yes,   BUT...I will have also spent approx. 20 weeks tending to myself, doing what I have to to be healthy, and continuing forward momentum through circumstances beyond my control.  Okay universe......instead of cursing it......I lift a toast to the "Year of the Foot" and I will come away from it stronger than ever!  (and if it takes more than one toast to get there, I'll just keep drinking! ha!  I'M KIDDING!!)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

1:25:25


I did it!   1:25:25.   That is my official time.   I made it, and maintained a pace per mile of 14.07.  I almost made my goal time, and if it hadn't been 6.2 miles through the hilly Missouri countryside  (flat course MY A**!)  ....I wouldda done it.

No one stared.   No one pointed.   No one whispered.  No one laughed.

I cried today when I stopped to think about what I had done.   There were times in my life when I would have never given myself the credit to do this.   Now...I can't wait to do it again.    To go farther.   To push harder.  Who would have thought that 1 hour and 25 minutes on a Saturday morning would make a such a difference difference.    

I did it.   And....it was AWESOME!  

Friday, October 22, 2010

Winner or Loser....The Decision is Mine

Tomorrow is a big day.   Tomorrow I am participating in my first ever 10k race.   6.2 miles.    Not a marathon, but a start.

I do have to say though.....I am nervous.   I know that I routinely travel between 13-15 miles per week in my training, and that my long days are up to over 7 miles depending on how my foot feels, but I am nervous.   I'm not sure if you all are aware, but I don't exactly have the sleek physique of a seasoned runner, and my pace isn't competitive.   I wiggy wog along at my own little pace, and I do okay on my own.   This however, is going to be around other people.   Other people who run all the time.   Other people who are just using this 10k for a little "fun run."   Other people who have body fat percentages of 5.   Other people who might intimidate me.   Yup...you guessed it.   I'm guilty of self comparison.    I'm not even there yet, and I'm already doing it.

There was a time in my not too distant past where I was simply (as my friend Johnna puts it) a "sofa surfer."  Exercise was a trip to Target, not hours spent in the great outdoors or gym sweating my butt off.   I think I'm finding that although my conditioning is better, I'm losing weight, and generally getting healthier, that it is hard for me to let go of that self image of myself.   I'm not that person anymore, but obviously she still resides in my being...trying to get me to give up, and not to believe in myself.

She almost won.   Up until yesterday I was telling myself..."You're not ready."  "You'll probably come in last."   "You'll be the biggest/oldest/most out of shape person there."    "You can't win this...you will lose."  She was really busy breaking me down, and making me feel like I had accomplished nothing over the past months of training.   I had resigned myself that I would wait for another race to use for qualifying times for Disney.  That I wasn't ready and that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't ever fit in to this athletic world of runners.  

Then Johnna talked to me.   (Well...actually we texted....)   This is what she sent me when I expressed my nerves to her.  

                              "  Sometimes wen alone at a race, I pick someone who I do not wish to resemble ever again and just focus on staying ahead of them.    Miles fly by...."

Okay...I got that....focus on the goal....       THEN she wrote.....

                              " I finished a marathon DFL (dead freakin last) and it was STILL 26.2 miles."

That's right.   No matter where she finished, she still DID IT!    So...I promptly went upstairs, sat down at my computer, and registered for the race.    No matter where I am on the course, I will still have accomplished another check on my list.   I will have a qualifying time for The Princess Half, and I will have a really COOL t-shirt to wear.   No one, not even the speediest, tiniest, prettiest, least sweaty runner can take that away from me.   So watch out competitors at the Harvest Moon 10k tomorrow.....I'll be there with the best weapon I can carry with me....a feeling of pride in myself for how far I have come.   No matter how fast or slow I finish, I WILL finish.   And no matter what my time per mile is....it will be mine.   No one else can do this for me.   It belongs to me.  The only way I can lose this is by not doing it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Quiet is my Kryptonite


I've recently discovered something pretty alarming about myself.    Quiet is my kryptonite.   
I think somewhere along the way, I have turned into one of those people who thrive on chaos and noise and high energy.   I don't like it.   

I didn't know this about myself until recently.   I have always looked at the chaotic times in my life as hard, draining, and tiring.   But as things have been slowing down around here and returning to normal ( mom is okay, kids are okay, Jason is okay) I am feeling a little lost.   Like I don't know what my focus should be and I don't know what to do.   It's a little A.D.D. actually, like I can start one project, get hung up along the way, start another, and so on until I have nothing but a day full of half done things, and a mountain of laundry that I somehow forgot.   

When life is crazy and hectic, I am a genius at list making, figuring out what needs to be done and how long I have to do it, and what my priority should be.  Laundry is done, dinners are planned, homework is done, and I've probably made time to do some other task that isn't part of my normal day.   But somehow it seems that when life is slow and even keel, that I walk around feeling more lost than ever.   It is amazing to me that I feel more closed in and claustrophobic when I actually have the freedom to go wherever I want to with no restriction.   What IS that?   The only thing I can come up with is that truly.....Quiet is my kryptonite.   

I'm not really sure WHAT to do here, but I'm hoping that by putting it out there, some of the power will be lost.   I am going to try to nurture myself during these slower times and I'm guessing that the more time that passes the easier it will become.  I'm going to counter that kryptonite with things that I love....having time to spend snuggling on my kids, loving my husband, and doing some things for myself.   I've also been interested in taking some yoga classes, and I think this might be a PERFECT time for that.   So...I"ll keep you posted.    Perhaps a downward facing dog or sun salutation will make it easier not only for me to enjoy the quiet rather than dreading it, but also perhaps deal with the chaos in a more user friendly kind of way when it does return.   

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Slow down you crazy child....


Today these song lyrics have been going through my head over and over and over, and when I stopped to look at them, it became BLATANTLY obvious why.   Slow down.  Stop rushing.   Stop pushing.  The end result will be there WHENEVER you get there to receive it.    

So...enough from me....I've obviously been channeling my inner Billy.....somebody else's words are working for me today....take it away.....

VIENNA - BILLY JOEL
Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid? 

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day 

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you 

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong 

But you know you can't always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you 

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you. 

Friday, October 1, 2010

Where am I Going? (This one's for YOU Mandy!)


Where am I going?  

This is a question that I used to have very clear and concise answers for.   I have always been a very focused person, and I do things with vigor and passion.   But when a few weeks ago, my trainer (thanks Mandy!!) put out a challenge to think about goals and where I would like to be 5 years from now, I couldn't answer.   That seems like an eternity away, and why do I need to think about it now?  Well, I ignored that challenge and didn't respond, but it hasn't left my head, so I think it's time to do a little soul searching and look at where I'm going again.  I think it's time to take a look at the BIG picture and celebrate success, learn from setbacks, and chart a new course.

Success.   That's an easy one to remember.   Don't we always revel in our successes?   I mean, I've become healthier than I have ever been, I've lost weight, I've achieved strength in my body and mind, and I'm happier emotionally than I have been in a long time.  I've managed to stay married  to a great man, to raise some pretty great kids, and make new and keep old friends.   I have found a community of support, and am living a truly blessed life.  Check.

Setbacks.   Ahhh....always easy to get hung up here.   I'm sure I could write for hours on my setbacks, failures, and flops, but instead I am just going to say I've had injury, heartbreak, disappointments, and some sadness.   Nothing I didn't handle, and nothing that stopped me.   I've learned from them, moved on, and continued to thrive.  (hmmm...sounds a little like a success, but we'll not go there as today's blog isn't about "turning it around."  ha.) Check!

Charting a new course.   THIS is where I get hung up.  What do I want out of the next five years...or truly even the next five days.   I'm gonna put my list out there to the cyber world, and hope that the universe will help support me.  

My Goals, both short and long term, beginning Oct. 1, 2010 - to Oct. 1, 2015 (give or take a few days....)

1.  I want to continue to live a healthy life that includes putting my needs high on my list, exercising, taking care of myself, and focusing some energy to myself alone each day.

2.  I want to raise my children to be happy and healthy individuals who have respect for others, compassion, and joy.

3.  I want to continue to push myself to try new things, be it physically or emotionally.

4.  I don't want to gain back what I have lost.

5.  I would like to find a purpose for myself outside of my kids and husband.   I am more than a wife and mother, and I think I need to work on that part of myself a little more and give her some more attention.  I was a person before this part of my life, and I need to spend a little time with that person again.

6.  I would like to do the Princess Half Marathon at least one time..

7.  I would like to find some more financial peace.

8.  I want to continue to nurture friendships that are supportive and healthy.

9.  I want to see my kids continue to succeed in their own rights.   I want them to know that they can aspire to whatever their hearts desire.   I want them to understand who they are better than I did, and remain true to themselves.

10.  I want, at the end of this five year period, to look back and know that nothing happened that I couldn't handle.   That I did my best, and although I know that there will be things I will have questioned and probably done differently, that I made the most of it.  

I am sure that there could be more on this list, and trust me, there has been editing.   The thing that hits me as I read it over is how my journey has changed.   I used to want things...money, fame, cars, houses, success.    Now my goals are more about peace and happiness.   It's nice to see that change in myself.

So...the course is set.   I'm on my way.  I am certain that it won't be all smooth sailing and that at times I'm going to want to jump ship.   Some days I even MIGHT jump, but at this point in my life I'm pretty sure I can find the strength to swim back to my boat and continue my journey.  

Friday, September 17, 2010

That Bi*ch just Slapped me!

The past few weeks haven't exactly turned out like I planned.  

For the past months, I have been planning my 40th birthday.    Planning things to divert my attention away from the fact that I am getting older.   Planning fun things.   Planning some time that was just about me.   Come hell or high water, I WAS going to enjoy this change in decade.

Didn't really work out that way.

I have always said that turning 40 was going to be something to look forward to.   That I would make sure it was a time to remember.   A passage.   A true marker in my life.    I had planned to spend my 40th in Las Vegas, bringing it in rock star style with some of my dearest and oldest friends.   My husband had arranged for the weekend to be special.   We were looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, my mom fell 5 days before we were supposed to leave, and broke her hip.   Of course, I couldn't go with the uncertainty of how she would be.   That was never a question.   I cancelled my trip, changed my plans, and stayed home.   It was the right thing to do.   My mom needed me.    I love her.   I think though, that the letdown of not taking the trip, and the loss of the "celebration" also took away the diversion of getting older and feeling like time was moving ahead whether I wanted it to or not.  

On top of that, I've been suffering with a cold, some stomach troubles, and have endured my first colonoscopy.   (THAT is a blog all in itself...ha!)   Basically I've had a lot of reasons to be sad, mad, disappointed, and to spend a little time feeling sorry for myself.   "Woe is me" isn't really how I choose to live my life, so when it happens, it tends to cause a minor backslide.   This one has really tried hard to get me to focus energy on my deficits, my faults, and my perceived failures, and all I don't have in my life.

Disappointment is such a roadblock for me.   Whether it's the loss of a much anticipated birthday trip, sickness, sadness, or realizing that time forges ahead, it can really stop me cold in my tracks.    I had been moving along at such a great pace, it was bound to happen.   Reality.   Slap.  


So...I've really tried to take some time and just let myself feel sad.  Here I think is the biggest one.   It's hard to see my mom with a walker.   It's hard to realize that even though her spirit is so young that her body isn't quite as young as it might feel.   I think all of that, in combination with a milestone of a birthday that was suddenly a letdown instead of a party, created some hard circumstances.      Well, I've decided that I'm ready to stop being sad, and move ahead.   Being in the dumps requires a lot more energy than being happy, so I'm ready to give it up.   I think I've honored the feelings, and given them their space, but I'm ready to get back on track, and try to live a more positive existence.

So...I took the slap.   I dealt with disapointment, I let her have her time,  and now it's really just time for that bitch to move on out of my life.   (sorry for the language there!)   I'm tired of being tired, and ready to get back on track with my own personal goals.   I don't need a party, or a trip, or a birthday for that to happen.   I just needed to know that every day of my life is a gift.   A celebration.   Something to look forward to.    Disappointment thought she could play a joke on me and stop my progress.   WRONG!   I just took a little break.   Now I'm slapping back.  The satisfaction of fighting back is so much sweeter than any trip....    

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Sometimes I feel like a Kardashian


I'll admit it.   I have vivid dreams, and I have a pretty fun time in them sometimes.   I'm not sure if some of you who have been following me remember, but for a while...I was failing French in my dreams.   Lately, I've seemed to have taken a more "public" turn, and I am living with the Kardashian sisters.  

Part of the problem here is that I have a real "reality t.v." addiction sometimes, and in particular, I am intrigued by the whole mania that is the Kardashian family and find their shows somewhat therapeutic to watch.   However, I do think that my dream means more than wanting to be the 4th Kardashian girl (remember, the younger ones are Jenners!) but maybe that I'm starting to feel like I am falling behind, and need to get my butt in gear and do a better job of "keeping up."

As summer is drawing to a close, and the kids are going back to school, I am once again finding myself with a little more time on my hands, and a giant TO DO list for myself.   And although it's been less than a week that the kids have been back in their routine of school, I am already feeling like I'm lagging on my responsibilities.   I'm already starting to be hard on myself for not keeping up with what I had planned for myself for this time.   I was going to clean everything, paint several rooms, sew a quilt for my nephew's wedding, organize all my closets and the kid's rooms, draw, read, exercise, cook, and the list goes on and on....  I don't think that my original goals are something that I will EVER be able to keep up with, so I need to revisit them and revamp my ideas of success.   Perhaps my dream was a reminder of that.   The craziness I have set up for myself is unattainable, and I need to adjust to give myself an honest chance to "keep up."  Once again, my dream is telling me I'm overwhelmed, and something needs to give so that I can find the peace that I am searching for.

So, although I don't know quite what to let go of yet (I'll keep you posted on what I decide ot let go of), I recognize the need to adjust, and that is a good thing for me.   Although I would really like the ability to do almost anything whenever I want like my dream sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney, I have realized in the light of day that I am limited in what I am capable of doing and I have to focus on what is really important to me.   I don't have an army of publicists, assistants, and nannies to help me.   I am one person, and I can only achieve so much.

I have always held the bar high for myself, but I am starting to see that sometimes in doing so, I'm setting expectations that aren't even realistic.   The reality of the fact is that I can only do so much, and I need to be okay with that.   I'm not trying to "keep up" with anyone but myself and the beauty of that is that I can set my own pace.   So, for now I'm choosing to walk away from the chaos and back into a state of real comfort, real peace, and real living.   No more trying to Keep up.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Let's Pretend We're all Made out of Robot Parts....


When we were on vacation at the lake we overheard the kids talking, and something they said has become a funny little joke in our family.   They were playing something, and all we overheard was "let's pretend we're all made out of robot parts."   We laughed and laughed, and when things get chaotic, you will often hear either Jason or I say.."let's pretend we're all made out of robot parts."    It's become the catch phrase du jour for things that seem out of hand.

But truthfully, there are days where I DO wish I was made with interchangeable parts.   Where when I wake up in the morning, I could take stock of how I felt, and change out the weak parts with shiny new ones that are bigger, stronger, and faster.   This whole drama of my foot and the boot could have been alleviated by simply changing out my foot with spare parts.   But not only physically, it would be nice to be able to put in a new processor, rewire my brain, and control my emotions and start out new and perfect again.   

Unfortunately, I've had to face the reality that I'm not the bionic woman.   There are days when my body hurts, when my head aches, and when I just don't feel so mentally sharp.   It's okay.   I make it through, and am learning that instead of the shiny new parts, I need to take care of the parts I have.   Maintain, care for, and nurture them.   I can't start out my new training by running, because I'll break my foot again.   It's not completely healed.   I have to take care of it.   And that applies to not just my physical being, but my emotional being as well.  We should all come with a sticker on our foreheads that reads "regular maintenance required."   Seems like such a simple concept, yet we fight against it so strongly.

So although there are days when I wish I WAS made of robot parts, I have really grown to appreciate the body I live in and the life that I have.   I don't like it every day, and sometimes I wish I was all shiny and new, but mostly these days, I'm finding a way to take care of what I have and instead of hating the body I live in.  And strangely enough, it's changing the way that I think about a lot of things.  



Thursday, July 29, 2010

Self Worth Beats Net Worth!

Ding Dong....the BOOT IS GONE!   (I wish there was some way to notate sing songy voice in typing!  ha)

Yup, it's true.   The dreaded boot is gone from my life, and I have been given a 3 week trial from my doctor to see how I can do without it.   So far...so Good!   I am trying to be responsible and "ease back" into my exercise, and I am so glad to not be lugging that extra bit of weight around with me.

However, my experience with all of this has gotten me to thinking.   Many of you who follow me on here have written and said that it isn't the end goal of finishing the race that makes me a princess, but the epiphanies that I've had and will have along the way that simply open the door for me to see what has perhaps always been there.   I'm beginning to see some merit to this way of thinking.


I have spent my entire life not giving myself credit, but instead tearing away at my own self esteem and sense of worth.    I sort of feel like I've been living with negative equity so to speak, but instead of negative equity in my car or my home.....I'm living in negative equity with myself.   Instead of making positive investments in myself by doing things that build me up, I have spent an inordinate amount of time making withdrawls against my self esteem by judging, comparing, and questioning my every move until I am operating on a negative balance of self value.

I am beginning to realize that throughout the past few months I think I've begun to turn that around a little.   Although the deposits haven't been monumental, I think they are starting to add up.   Those little bouts of self realization, however simple they may have been, have begun to rebuild my confidence and have in a way made me realize that for me to be the wife/mother/friend/human being that I want to be, I have to continue to invest in myself in a positive way.    All these seemingly small accomplishments, like losing a little weight, exercising, saying no, being sad when I need to be, taking time for myself, and resting when I need it are slowly but surely revealing the Princess within.

It may be a corny analogy, but it's working for me.   No more operating on credit.   I am cutting up that negative emotional charge card.  I have to continue to deposit positive energy and experiences into myself.   I feel stronger physically, yes, but also mentally and emotionally stronger than I have for a long while.   Even AFTER all these challenges that I was sure would ruin my plans.   So, I thank you all who have encouraged me.   I WILL continue to work and challenge myself, to sometimes stumble,  once in a while fall, and eventually succeed.

I'll keep you posted!  

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

90 Days and the Jury is still out.

 
90 days.   Tomorrow it will have been 90 days in the boot.   That is 3 months.   Too long.    Most things have a 90 day money back guarantee.   I'm not happy.   I want my money back.

What have I learned in those 90 days?  

1.   I have learned that wearing a boot is uncomfortable and hot.

2.   I have learned that I can continue to exercise even without the use of          my foot.

3.  I have learned that strangers feel compelled to ask you what happened and then share their own tales of woe.

4.  I have learned that things don't always go my way.

5.  Finally, I have learned that if you think you know better than your doctor, you are probably wrong.

I'm not sure what this means, but I feel like to keep true to my blog, I need to write it.   I have 2 more weeks with the boot before another checkup.    Then we decide if surgery is necessary.   My vote is no.   I am finding that my vote doesn't count often enough when it comes to this.  Unfortunately there is no customer relations department  or higher court to take this to.   I just have to deal.

This may compromise my goals for this coming year.   I'm trying to keep open to the idea that I might have to adjust my timeline, and not see that as a failure.    I'll keep you posted.  I was hoping to become a princess at 40.   Maybe I'll have to wait til 41.   We'll see.  

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why haven't I made THIS piece of the puzzle fit?


Tonight I am thinking of my daughter.   My beautiful, sweet, loving, DRAMATIC daughter who wants nothing more than to be liked.   Almost to a fault.

She's been having trouble with a neighbor friend.   They have been the best of buds for the past three years, but this summer, something is different.   There are hurtful words and actions, and Claire has shed many tears over this.   I, as her mother, am also struggling.   I want for my children to feel no pain, to be treated with love and respect, and to walk through life suffering as little as possible, so I am having a hard time understanding why we, and I mean GIRLS especially, can turn on one another so quickly.   It seems that we as women learn at such an early age that we have to become what others want us to be to be accepted.  We have to conform to the standards that OTHERS put on us to be accepted, rather than living by what our heart and head tell us is right.

I know that I face this challenge daily.   I want so badly to feel like I "fit" somewhere.   Like I am worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness.   What I am trying to understand is why I think that OTHERS have to like me to have all of these positive things in my life.  We always seek out approval from our friends, family, spouse, etc., when I think what we really need is to discover approval within ourselves to find where we truly belong.  Where we "fit."

I am going to really work on this so that I can lead my daughter by example and love MYSELF regardless of others.  I don't need outside approval to be happy, I need peace in my heart knowing that I am being the best person I can be.  I believe if I can find it within myself to do this, I will naturally end up in the place I am supposed to be with those who love me by my side.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I think I can see the light.


Okay kids...so "project bendy" is kicking my everlovin' arse.  

Found out on Friday that the MRI of my foot showed bone swelling and abnormalities....3 more weeks back in the boot.   A very old friend of mine has had a terrible tragedy in her life, and although we're not close like we once were, the sadness I feel for her is intense.   And...Jason and I have made some changes around our home that are going to change things for us a little, and I'm nervous.   (We're fine and very happy by the way....just some things we have had to address for the benefit of our kids and family.)

No matter what it is....sickness, sadness, money, kids, injury etc. I am finding that life is full of so many things I can't control.  Sometimes my heart is full and I feel like nothing can touch me, and other times, I feel overwhelmed and confused.    Either way though, the total upside to "project bendy" is that I am dealing with it all in healthier and more constructive ways.

#1.  Back in the boot....okay....so I can't train like I want.   I'm still riding my bike, eating well, and keeping the faith that I'll heal in time to meet my goal.  I'm pissed, but I'm admitting it, dealing with it, and moving forward.

#2.  Sadness over tragedy....I can't begin to imagine the hurt, pain, and loss that my friend is feeling, nor do I ever want to.   Instead of feeling sad and helpless I am trying to do something good for her, trying to ease the burden by raising some money for her family by rallying our graduating class to help her out.   Money can't buy back what she lost, but it can help with what is yet to come.

#3.  Changes at home....without going into too much detail (cuz after all, even though I am blogging, some things are still private.  ha)  Jason and I have decided to make some sacrifices to put ourselves first and to try to get ourself into a position to where we feel more comfortable.   I have made hard decisions without reservation, and with little guilt (can't quite let that one go completely), knowing that I am doing what is necessary right now.

So....who would have thought.   Me.....bendy.    Taking things as they come, dealing, and forging ahead.    It's definitely new territory for me.   I'm trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, and keep it in my sights, rather than feeling that it is coming to run me over.   I'm proud of how I'm doing right now, even in the face of uncertainty.   I guess I'm adapting to my new way of doing things.   Hmmm.....not to bad.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Project Bendy is under way!

So today my friend Michelle called me and said..."they changed the weekend of the race!"    WHAT????  Seems like for whatever reason, they have changed the Princess Half dates to Feb. 25-27.   Okay....I know it's only one week, but that is one week less for training!    The new time countdown is....T Minus 268 days.
 
Change...it's something I don't do well.   I'm a planner, I like order.   Change makes me nervous.   I don't like it.   It can really be anything too...from a change in a weekend itinerary to where they put my vitamin water at Costco.....I don't like when things aren't where/when I planned on them being.  

I know it's silly, and really just shows inflexibility on my part, but it's part of who I am.   Maybe this can be a little summer side project for me.   To work on flexibility.    I want to become more pliable....more "bendy."

It's done me well in certain areas, I mean, my kids are EXCELLENT about going to bed on time without complaining, because I have kept them to a schedule.   I know what days of the week I am doing what or cleaning what because I keep myself to a schedule.    These things I think are okay.   I think where I need to become more "bendy" is not necessarily in schedule, but in my ability to handle those little things that pop up unexpected.    This race day schedule change is not worth worrying about.   It doesn't really even affect me.   I hadn't booked my trip, I hadn't even registered for the race....so what's the big deal.   It's just a change in date....shortens my time by a week, but honestly, if I am  not ready by then...I'm screwed anyway.   It's not going to take anything from me if I don't let it.

So, let's get this project "bendy" started.   I am vowing to all of you....that I am going to have one day a week this summer where NOTHING is planned, and the kids and I are going to play it off the cuff. (That is 10 unplanned days this summer by the way)   We'll see how it goes.   I'm trying to look at it as a constructive thing for myself.   Freedom...to do whatever we want on that day.   I'm going to work on taking what comes in stride, instead of seeing it, bracing myself, worrying, planning 15 different exit strategies, and freaking out anyway.   I'll keep you posted.  


 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Time IS on my side.


Today is Claire's birthday.   She's 8.   EIGHT!   Where does the time go?   It really seems like just yesterday that she was that pudgy happy little baby.    Sometimes I wish I could just put the brakes on the clock and hold each moment a little closer for a little longer.

Funny I should be thinking this today.   It seems I'm always in a rush.   Gotta get this done, gotta do that.   Get to that finish line.....quick quick quick.   I'm afraid that mentality has gotten me into trouble once again.   I was released by my dr. to exercise at will when I saw him last week.   Take it easy....ease into it....that's what he said to me.    I did.   I "eased" (and I use that word loosely)  over the course of a week into 3+ miles, and today I can't walk.   Yup....rushing got me nowhere but back on restriction.  

I need to slow down.   I need to listen.   I need to stop trying to hurry all the time.   I need to enjoy the moments in my life that are precious and  experience what's right in front of me instead of looking down the road for what's coming.   I need to start running my time, instead of letting it run me.

It's frustrating.   I want to work hard, to achieve my goal.   However, I have to take the time to experience the process....and I'm finding that this injury is part of the process.  The Princess Half is the goal, but it's still a long way out.   I have to heal.

It seems that time is passing so quickly, almost in the blink of an eye.   My babies aren't small anymore, and soon they won't think I'm so cool as they do now.   I can already see it coming.   I need to enjoy this time, savor it.    Before I know it, I'll be looking back and wishing I had it back.  

I am officially slowing down the hands on my own personal goal clock.   I have plenty of time.   I am going to start try to experience this journey more, and in doing so, I am sure that tiara at the end of that 13.3 mile race will be all that much more shiny because of it.  

And for my Claire....she's the greatest girl on the face of this planet.   The past eight years have been some of the best of my life, and I intend to enjoy every minute I have with her.   (yeah...even when she's sassy!!)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lucky me


This has been a good week.   Lots of forward momentum.   Lots of feeling blessed, happy, peaceful, and lucky.

I am out of the boot (mostly) and it FEELS GREAT!   I went on my first bike ride outside of my basement today, and they might have been the greatest 8 miles of my life.   It felt so good to be out enjoying the gorgeous day and feeling that I hadn't lost all the strength in my legs.   In fact....I think I did better from all that stationary biking I'd been doing for the past 4 weeks!

I have also spent some time over the past several days being thankful for my life.   See, I had a friend lose her daughter this past week.   It made me terribly sad.   This girl had mitochondrial disease, the same disease that Andy has, only much much much more severe.  As my heart broke for her family, my heart also sang with joy that my son was so healthy and happy.   I'm lucky.   I have a good life.   I'm not gonna waste it.

It gives perspective to really realize how lucky you are, and that no bad dream, irritation, or BOOT can take that away from you.  I get irritated over silly little things and think the world is falling apart because of them, and then this tragic event happens to my friend and her family, and I re-think my life.   Nothing is more important to me than my family.  Nothing.   I am lucky to have them, and I want to be healthier to celebrate not only my accomplishment of crowning my inner princess, but to live a longer and healthier life with them as long as I can.  

My family is healthy, I am healthy, and I am going to make the most of the life that I have.   I'm lucky.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I think I'm failing French....



I think my brain is trying to tell me something.

I woke up irritated today.   I remember having all these dreams of failure and angst.   I was in a college French class (which by the way... I NEVER took) and apparently I have been skipping, because for whatever reason, I just find out that I have a 60 page paper due, like TOMORROW.   It's all stress and anxiety, and feeling like I have to drop the class, but that will mean I won't graduate..........    It all seemed so real, and I actually woke up feeling stressed and behind.   I know I DID actually graduate from college twice, so it's all perceived stress.   I figure my brain is trying to tell me something.

Then I get up and check my calendar for the day on my phone, only to find out that my calendar didn't sync like it was supposed to with my new mobile me thing, and that set me off into another little tirade of angst and anxiety.   I was actually ready to give up on the whole e-calendar idea because of this one little error (which by the way, I'm pretty sure was my fault).   I mean....how than things just not work?   How dare this computer not sync properly with my phone?  I was fairly certain again, that I was going to be screwed all week not knowing what I had ahead of me and this was going to be the ruin of my new managed life.   Can  you say irrational?   Yeah....again....I think my brain is trying to tell me something.  

No, I don't think it's telling me to quit or to give up, but rather to gain some true perspective.   I think with all that has been going on lately with my foot that I have seen this as a major setback in my training.   I don't feel like I'm getting in a good workout, I can't participate in the races I had planned on, and I generally feel like I've been rendered dead in the water.   I'm also fairly certain that without the extra effort, I'm going to gain 100 pounds, and fall backwards to where I started.   See, that's my problem.   Black and white.   No gray. So I'm guessing that's why my brain in on hyperactive duty trying to get out all my feelings at night or redirecting them towards inanimate objects.   Our dreams are a gateway to our thought patterns, and the dream I had and how it lead me to actually start my day on a negative note tells me I need to do a little overhaul on how I'm thinking.

The reality is, I'm still working out, just in a modified way, and I am still making forward progress.   I've been able to work a little more on the head games, rather than the physical game, and I generally feel good.   My foot doesn't hurt me so much I can't sleep, in fact, it's actually feeling good!   This is just a bump, not the be all and end all of my life.   Tomorrow will still come, and the reality is.....I still have PLENTY of time to complete that "60 page French paper" and to "sync my calendar."      

I really think I need to focus some time on "gray thinking."   On not looking at everything as either a success or a failure, and nothing else.   Sometimes it just is what it is...an irritation that will go away with time.   I'm not failing.   I'm just being.   Hurting my foot isn't my fault.   It just happened.   My phone actually did sync, I just didn't have the patience to wait to see the next screen.  I can't control the world.   (EEK!)  'Nuff said.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Yay me! I did it!


I'm trying something new today in the spirit of "being me and being okay with that."   Today, I decided to NOT GO to my workout class.   Yeah...I know....newsflash, right?   Well, for me it's a really big deal.  I'm writing this now, as the alarm just went off on my Blackberry to remind me to go, and I know it's a done deal.   I'm officially playing exercise hookie!  (and guess what...the world didn't come to an end, no one showed up at my door to yell at me, and my coffee still tastes really good!)

I decided last night that I needed a mental health day.   I needed a day not to worry about what I HAD to do, and instead am going to do what I WANT to do.   Workout class right now is upsetting to me, as I can't participate completely with the boot, so I decided to take today to get some rest (both mental and physical), to recharge my really drained batteries, get a few things done I feel like I've been neglecting around the house, and maybe to do something I WANTED to do.  

So, I've decided to plant some flowers.   It's not strenuous exercise, it's not even really work, but it makes me feel good, it makes me appreciate the world I live in, and I enjoy doing it.   So, for probably one of the first times ever (and Mandy, I hope you appreciate this! )  I am playing hookie from my workout without any guilt or reservation.   I'm trying this new "balance" thing in my life....we'll see how this goes!  

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I am What I am....That's all, and That's OK!




Sometimes I try so hard to be something else.   Something better, thinner, happier, more positive, more successful, you name it.   I try so hard to change.   It's almost as if I fight until I have little left for anything else.

I am sitting up on a Sunday night, planning my week.   What do I have to do?  What are my goals.   What do I want to accomplish this week.   It seems like I always look at it as "this week I will do better at....."  fill in the blank.   Why do I have to "get better," and why do I always feel this compulsion to fix something about myself.

I wonder what will happen if I set up this coming week as a new experiment for myself.   I'm going to try to just say..."This week, I am what I am.   That's all, and that's okay."  I'm going to try to live my life on autopilot for at least this week.   To back off of the pressure to "do better" and to try to just experience life with the changes I've already made.  

I've been feeling an intense pressure to just white knuckle through to the next level, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.   I'm feeling a little tired, and a bit of a need to re-charge the batteries.   This week, I'm not going to try to be better, I'm just going to try to BE, and to be okay with that.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Grrrr!



I'm mad.   Today....I'm mad.  I can't give you a good reason, except that i may very well being throwing an internal temper tantrum.   I'm not getting what I want when I want it, and I'm MAD about it.   

i had my training class today, and for the first time this boot really got in my way.   I wasn't able to work out with "my girls."   My trainer, Mandy, made such a great effort for me.   She kept me busy working upper body and truly worked my arms until they felt like spaghetti.  (In fact, typing is a little hard right now.)  I wasn't able to participate in the lower body workout that everyone else was doing.   I still got a good workout in, still burned calories, and still stayed on track to ultimately fulfilling my goal, but it's not happening MY WAY.  You see, this change in direction wasn't part of my master plan.   It's messing with my personal timeline, and it is making me MAD!

I am going to let myself be a little mad today, but I have to work hard to not let it take over my entire attitude.   I'm mad at the situation.   I'm upset that I'm not in control.   And I think I might be a little scared that I'm gonna lose my momentum.    

 

Monday, April 12, 2010

Gratitude is a hard one sometimes.

I've been thinking today about gratitude.   What am I grateful for, and how can this help me in my journey to becoming a princess, or can it?   Sometimes I wonder if things in our life that annoy us, or that cause us to change our path midstream aren't so much nuisances, but rather things we should be thankful for.

Example....when I was pregnant with Andy (my 2nd born) our insurance changed through Jason's work.   I thought this was going to be the end of me.   I had done my research.   I had the best pediatrician for Claire, and he was going to be Andy's.   I had found the best obstetrician when I was pregnant with Claire, and I was going to have him deliver Andy as well.   Neither of these fine doctors were on our plan.  I was forced to find a doctor that was on our much smaller, much more limited plan for physicians.   I was certain that I  was going to have to settle for second best.  

As it turns out, it was a little miracle in disguise.   Because of these changes, I had a wonderful birth experience at a smaller hospital, and received much more attention than I would have at the larger "birthing center" I had Claire at.   I also found an amazing pediatrician, like the old time kind that when you call....you talk to HIM!  (imagine that)  And as it turned out, this was the man that listened when jason and I knew something wasn't right with our son.   He is responsible for directing us to the people who eventually diagnosed and saved my son's quality of life.   Coincidence?   I think not.

I wrote a thank you note to that pediatrician today.   Sent it in the mail with pictures of my kids, thanking him for listening, for caring, and for ultimately saving my son's life.   That thank you was LONG overdue.   It felt good to write it, and it felt like I was able to let go of a little of the hurt I carry around about that time in our life.   Thanks Dr. Omari.   You rock.

So, I know that is a long story.   Sorry for that, but ultimately, I think that I need to be more grateful to those who have meant something to me, to the things I have in my life, to the universe in general, and maybe even for the uphill battles it feels like I've had to wage.  I spend a lot of time being annoyed by change and by the "bumps in the road."  (Can you say BOOT?)   Maybe I need to look beyond the annoyance and find a reason to have gratitude instead.   Anyway, today I'm just gonna give some thanks where it is deserved and see where it takes me.

Friday, April 9, 2010

A Princess's Day can be ruined by ONE BAD ACCESSORY

Okay, so yeah, I'm gung ho.   Ready for this.  Wanna get started..........

and THIS is what the doctor springs on me today after a visit and x-rays.   Yeah, I knew I had hurt something, but wasn't really expecting to be "booted up" for the next several weeks.  Seems I may have broken something.   All those years when I was a kid and I wanted nothing more than to have a cast on my leg like Kelly Koziell did after her ski trip to Colorado.   I had NO IDEA how annoying the whole thing would be.

This will definitely change my ideas of how to get started.   I have to wonder if this is the universe's way of getting me to really focus on health and my wellbeing instead of racing ahead full steam.

I can use my stationary bike (as long as it doesn't hurt), swim, and Mandy has suggested Yoga.   Rest isn't something I am good at.   I don't like being idle, so this will be a challenge, but perhaps becoming the princess is about more than wearing the tiara and running the race? (although I highly doubt it...)   I think today's lesson is that karma makes you focus on what you NEED to sometimes, rather than what you want to.   Okay, I will accept that, but really, does this boot need to be so blamin' ugly?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

From Zero to Princess in Just Under A Year

So, here I am, trying to document a goal that I have made to myself that I can complete the Disney World Princess Half Marathon in March of 2011.   To some this might not seem like a lofty goal, but for me, it's passing my comfort zone and jumping into the great beyond of the unknown.   I am not an athlete (or at least I have never thought of myself as one), up until recently I wasn't active or terribly interested in changing my life.   This for me, is a really big deal.  

I have started and stopped exercise programs so many times, so when I started training with Mandy (a.k.a. the trainer) and a bunch of other ladies at the Liberty Community Center, I didn't know how long I would hang on.   It all started in Sept. of 2009, and here I am in April of 2010 setting this goal for myself.   I had mentioned it once in a class setting, and everyone got really excited about it.   "Yeah, we can do that"  "I'm SO in."   These were the things that were said, but at that moment of saying it out loud, I knew this was something I really wanted to do, and to share with these incredible women.   So, in December, before our break, I made each of them a Princess bracelet.   Nothing fancy, just a few beads with a tiara charm on it, but to me, it was going to serve as a reminder of what I hoped to accomplish.   A little talisman of the dream I had, if you will.  It hangs on my bathroom mirror, and I look at it every day.   

I have recently felt a little hindered in my progress by an injury, and weak in my resolve to continue.   Hence, the development of this blog.   I am a firm believer in accountability.   So, here I am , making myself accountable to all of cyberspace on this one goal.   I have many thoughts on this whole process, but today it begins with me.   I am saying that I CAN do this.   The only thing that can stop me is me, so hang on world.   The ride starts today.   I am officially at t-minus 323 Days to the starting line!