Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Shhh....I Can't Hear!

I feel like my life is full of white noise, and I can no longer hear what it is that I am supposed to be doing.

So much has been going on since I last wrote.   Knee blew out, had surgery to repair that.   Found out in the process that I don't do well with narcotics, and ended up in the hospital.   Took a job.   Started job.   Already stressing about job.   Kids back in school, but also back in all their events, clubs, sports, etc.  Took over as Den leader for Cub Scouts.  (stupid move, btw)   Jason's work is taking off even more and he's gone 4-5 days a week which is good financially, but means I am home dealing with the day to day all by my lonesome.   Sigh.

I am leaving in 5 days for a vacation with my family.   We are going on a cruise in the Bahamas, and for this, I should be excited, but because of the chaos and how I am feeling, I am looking at it as just one more thing I have to do.   When I realized this vacation was STRESSING ME OUT this morning, I knew it was time to try to slow things down again, and get myself back on a healthier track.   Seriously?   Get it together Tina.   Vacations are FUN!

Here's my problem, right?   See, I keep taking on more things, but am not adjusting for what I was doing before.   I am still trying to do all the same things at all the same intensities, but what's happening now is that I am having a hard time enjoying ANY of them.   Exercise, which I have grown to love and NEED as a way to keep me sane has become yet another check on a list a mile long.  Not much is enjoyable, everything just necessary.  Like a "have to..."

I can't hear anymore.   I feel like I am sitting here with my fingers in my ears, trying to will some of the noise to stop.  

So...once again I am forced to examine how I am choosing to live my life.   What is important, and what is going to fulfill me on the level I need.   Truly?   This vacation.   The thing that I am dreading because it means packing and organizing and list making, is the one thing that I need most right now.   To slow down, and enjoy something.   So I am going to try to get through this week with all that is on my plate, and look forward to spending some time AWAY FROM THE NOISE, with my husband and kids enjoying a beach, a boat, and some much needed down time.

You would think that this is a lesson that I have learned a million times, and that perhaps I would have "gotten it" by now.  I would have thought that too, yet here I am...practicing again.  I have to believe that all this "practice" is going to one day help me find the volume level that allows me to hear beautiful melodies instead of just noise.   For now though, I'll settle for a level that lets me hear the sound of the ocean, the tinkle of the ice in my fruity drink, and the laughter of my kids enjoying a vacation with a mom who is happy to be there with them, in this moment.

I'll deal with the rest when I get home.  :)