Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I'll admit it. I have vivid dreams, and I have a pretty fun time in them sometimes. I'm not sure if some of you who have been following me remember, but for a while...I was failing French in my dreams. Lately, I've seemed to have taken a more "public" turn, and I am living with the Kardashian sisters.
Part of the problem here is that I have a real "reality t.v." addiction sometimes, and in particular, I am intrigued by the whole mania that is the Kardashian family and find their shows somewhat therapeutic to watch. However, I do think that my dream means more than wanting to be the 4th Kardashian girl (remember, the younger ones are Jenners!) but maybe that I'm starting to feel like I am falling behind, and need to get my butt in gear and do a better job of "keeping up."
As summer is drawing to a close, and the kids are going back to school, I am once again finding myself with a little more time on my hands, and a giant TO DO list for myself. And although it's been less than a week that the kids have been back in their routine of school, I am already feeling like I'm lagging on my responsibilities. I'm already starting to be hard on myself for not keeping up with what I had planned for myself for this time. I was going to clean everything, paint several rooms, sew a quilt for my nephew's wedding, organize all my closets and the kid's rooms, draw, read, exercise, cook, and the list goes on and on.... I don't think that my original goals are something that I will EVER be able to keep up with, so I need to revisit them and revamp my ideas of success. Perhaps my dream was a reminder of that. The craziness I have set up for myself is unattainable, and I need to adjust to give myself an honest chance to "keep up." Once again, my dream is telling me I'm overwhelmed, and something needs to give so that I can find the peace that I am searching for.
So, although I don't know quite what to let go of yet (I'll keep you posted on what I decide ot let go of), I recognize the need to adjust, and that is a good thing for me. Although I would really like the ability to do almost anything whenever I want like my dream sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney, I have realized in the light of day that I am limited in what I am capable of doing and I have to focus on what is really important to me. I don't have an army of publicists, assistants, and nannies to help me. I am one person, and I can only achieve so much.
I have always held the bar high for myself, but I am starting to see that sometimes in doing so, I'm setting expectations that aren't even realistic. The reality of the fact is that I can only do so much, and I need to be okay with that. I'm not trying to "keep up" with anyone but myself and the beauty of that is that I can set my own pace. So, for now I'm choosing to walk away from the chaos and back into a state of real comfort, real peace, and real living. No more trying to Keep up.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
When we were on vacation at the lake we overheard the kids talking, and something they said has become a funny little joke in our family. They were playing something, and all we overheard was "let's pretend we're all made out of robot parts." We laughed and laughed, and when things get chaotic, you will often hear either Jason or I say.."let's pretend we're all made out of robot parts." It's become the catch phrase du jour for things that seem out of hand.
But truthfully, there are days where I DO wish I was made with interchangeable parts. Where when I wake up in the morning, I could take stock of how I felt, and change out the weak parts with shiny new ones that are bigger, stronger, and faster. This whole drama of my foot and the boot could have been alleviated by simply changing out my foot with spare parts. But not only physically, it would be nice to be able to put in a new processor, rewire my brain, and control my emotions and start out new and perfect again.
Unfortunately, I've had to face the reality that I'm not the bionic woman. There are days when my body hurts, when my head aches, and when I just don't feel so mentally sharp. It's okay. I make it through, and am learning that instead of the shiny new parts, I need to take care of the parts I have. Maintain, care for, and nurture them. I can't start out my new training by running, because I'll break my foot again. It's not completely healed. I have to take care of it. And that applies to not just my physical being, but my emotional being as well. We should all come with a sticker on our foreheads that reads "regular maintenance required." Seems like such a simple concept, yet we fight against it so strongly.
So although there are days when I wish I WAS made of robot parts, I have really grown to appreciate the body I live in and the life that I have. I don't like it every day, and sometimes I wish I was all shiny and new, but mostly these days, I'm finding a way to take care of what I have and instead of hating the body I live in. And strangely enough, it's changing the way that I think about a lot of things.