Saturday, October 23, 2010


I did it!   1:25:25.   That is my official time.   I made it, and maintained a pace per mile of 14.07.  I almost made my goal time, and if it hadn't been 6.2 miles through the hilly Missouri countryside  (flat course MY A**!)  ....I wouldda done it.

No one stared.   No one pointed.   No one whispered.  No one laughed.

I cried today when I stopped to think about what I had done.   There were times in my life when I would have never given myself the credit to do this.   Now...I can't wait to do it again.    To go farther.   To push harder.  Who would have thought that 1 hour and 25 minutes on a Saturday morning would make a such a difference difference.    

I did it. was AWESOME!  

Friday, October 22, 2010

Winner or Loser....The Decision is Mine

Tomorrow is a big day.   Tomorrow I am participating in my first ever 10k race.   6.2 miles.    Not a marathon, but a start.

I do have to say though.....I am nervous.   I know that I routinely travel between 13-15 miles per week in my training, and that my long days are up to over 7 miles depending on how my foot feels, but I am nervous.   I'm not sure if you all are aware, but I don't exactly have the sleek physique of a seasoned runner, and my pace isn't competitive.   I wiggy wog along at my own little pace, and I do okay on my own.   This however, is going to be around other people.   Other people who run all the time.   Other people who are just using this 10k for a little "fun run."   Other people who have body fat percentages of 5.   Other people who might intimidate me. guessed it.   I'm guilty of self comparison.    I'm not even there yet, and I'm already doing it.

There was a time in my not too distant past where I was simply (as my friend Johnna puts it) a "sofa surfer."  Exercise was a trip to Target, not hours spent in the great outdoors or gym sweating my butt off.   I think I'm finding that although my conditioning is better, I'm losing weight, and generally getting healthier, that it is hard for me to let go of that self image of myself.   I'm not that person anymore, but obviously she still resides in my being...trying to get me to give up, and not to believe in myself.

She almost won.   Up until yesterday I was telling myself..."You're not ready."  "You'll probably come in last."   "You'll be the biggest/oldest/most out of shape person there."    "You can't win will lose."  She was really busy breaking me down, and making me feel like I had accomplished nothing over the past months of training.   I had resigned myself that I would wait for another race to use for qualifying times for Disney.  That I wasn't ready and that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't ever fit in to this athletic world of runners.  

Then Johnna talked to me.   (Well...actually we texted....)   This is what she sent me when I expressed my nerves to her.  

                              "  Sometimes wen alone at a race, I pick someone who I do not wish to resemble ever again and just focus on staying ahead of them.    Miles fly by...."

Okay...I got that....focus on the goal....       THEN she wrote.....

                              " I finished a marathon DFL (dead freakin last) and it was STILL 26.2 miles."

That's right.   No matter where she finished, she still DID IT!    So...I promptly went upstairs, sat down at my computer, and registered for the race.    No matter where I am on the course, I will still have accomplished another check on my list.   I will have a qualifying time for The Princess Half, and I will have a really COOL t-shirt to wear.   No one, not even the speediest, tiniest, prettiest, least sweaty runner can take that away from me.   So watch out competitors at the Harvest Moon 10k tomorrow.....I'll be there with the best weapon I can carry with me....a feeling of pride in myself for how far I have come.   No matter how fast or slow I finish, I WILL finish.   And no matter what my time per mile will be mine.   No one else can do this for me.   It belongs to me.  The only way I can lose this is by not doing it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Quiet is my Kryptonite

I've recently discovered something pretty alarming about myself.    Quiet is my kryptonite.   
I think somewhere along the way, I have turned into one of those people who thrive on chaos and noise and high energy.   I don't like it.   

I didn't know this about myself until recently.   I have always looked at the chaotic times in my life as hard, draining, and tiring.   But as things have been slowing down around here and returning to normal ( mom is okay, kids are okay, Jason is okay) I am feeling a little lost.   Like I don't know what my focus should be and I don't know what to do.   It's a little A.D.D. actually, like I can start one project, get hung up along the way, start another, and so on until I have nothing but a day full of half done things, and a mountain of laundry that I somehow forgot.   

When life is crazy and hectic, I am a genius at list making, figuring out what needs to be done and how long I have to do it, and what my priority should be.  Laundry is done, dinners are planned, homework is done, and I've probably made time to do some other task that isn't part of my normal day.   But somehow it seems that when life is slow and even keel, that I walk around feeling more lost than ever.   It is amazing to me that I feel more closed in and claustrophobic when I actually have the freedom to go wherever I want to with no restriction.   What IS that?   The only thing I can come up with is that truly.....Quiet is my kryptonite.   

I'm not really sure WHAT to do here, but I'm hoping that by putting it out there, some of the power will be lost.   I am going to try to nurture myself during these slower times and I'm guessing that the more time that passes the easier it will become.  I'm going to counter that kryptonite with things that I love....having time to spend snuggling on my kids, loving my husband, and doing some things for myself.   I've also been interested in taking some yoga classes, and I think this might be a PERFECT time for that.   So...I"ll keep you posted.    Perhaps a downward facing dog or sun salutation will make it easier not only for me to enjoy the quiet rather than dreading it, but also perhaps deal with the chaos in a more user friendly kind of way when it does return.   

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Slow down you crazy child....

Today these song lyrics have been going through my head over and over and over, and when I stopped to look at them, it became BLATANTLY obvious why.   Slow down.  Stop rushing.   Stop pushing.  The end result will be there WHENEVER you get there to receive it.    

So...enough from me....I've obviously been channeling my inner Billy.....somebody else's words are working for me today....take it away.....

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid? 

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day 

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you 

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong 

But you know you can't always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you 

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you. 

Friday, October 1, 2010

Where am I Going? (This one's for YOU Mandy!)

Where am I going?  

This is a question that I used to have very clear and concise answers for.   I have always been a very focused person, and I do things with vigor and passion.   But when a few weeks ago, my trainer (thanks Mandy!!) put out a challenge to think about goals and where I would like to be 5 years from now, I couldn't answer.   That seems like an eternity away, and why do I need to think about it now?  Well, I ignored that challenge and didn't respond, but it hasn't left my head, so I think it's time to do a little soul searching and look at where I'm going again.  I think it's time to take a look at the BIG picture and celebrate success, learn from setbacks, and chart a new course.

Success.   That's an easy one to remember.   Don't we always revel in our successes?   I mean, I've become healthier than I have ever been, I've lost weight, I've achieved strength in my body and mind, and I'm happier emotionally than I have been in a long time.  I've managed to stay married  to a great man, to raise some pretty great kids, and make new and keep old friends.   I have found a community of support, and am living a truly blessed life.  Check.

Setbacks.   Ahhh....always easy to get hung up here.   I'm sure I could write for hours on my setbacks, failures, and flops, but instead I am just going to say I've had injury, heartbreak, disappointments, and some sadness.   Nothing I didn't handle, and nothing that stopped me.   I've learned from them, moved on, and continued to thrive.  (hmmm...sounds a little like a success, but we'll not go there as today's blog isn't about "turning it around."  ha.) Check!

Charting a new course.   THIS is where I get hung up.  What do I want out of the next five years...or truly even the next five days.   I'm gonna put my list out there to the cyber world, and hope that the universe will help support me.  

My Goals, both short and long term, beginning Oct. 1, 2010 - to Oct. 1, 2015 (give or take a few days....)

1.  I want to continue to live a healthy life that includes putting my needs high on my list, exercising, taking care of myself, and focusing some energy to myself alone each day.

2.  I want to raise my children to be happy and healthy individuals who have respect for others, compassion, and joy.

3.  I want to continue to push myself to try new things, be it physically or emotionally.

4.  I don't want to gain back what I have lost.

5.  I would like to find a purpose for myself outside of my kids and husband.   I am more than a wife and mother, and I think I need to work on that part of myself a little more and give her some more attention.  I was a person before this part of my life, and I need to spend a little time with that person again.

6.  I would like to do the Princess Half Marathon at least one time..

7.  I would like to find some more financial peace.

8.  I want to continue to nurture friendships that are supportive and healthy.

9.  I want to see my kids continue to succeed in their own rights.   I want them to know that they can aspire to whatever their hearts desire.   I want them to understand who they are better than I did, and remain true to themselves.

10.  I want, at the end of this five year period, to look back and know that nothing happened that I couldn't handle.   That I did my best, and although I know that there will be things I will have questioned and probably done differently, that I made the most of it.  

I am sure that there could be more on this list, and trust me, there has been editing.   The thing that hits me as I read it over is how my journey has changed.   I used to want, fame, cars, houses, success.    Now my goals are more about peace and happiness.   It's nice to see that change in myself.

So...the course is set.   I'm on my way.  I am certain that it won't be all smooth sailing and that at times I'm going to want to jump ship.   Some days I even MIGHT jump, but at this point in my life I'm pretty sure I can find the strength to swim back to my boat and continue my journey.