It's MY Journey, and I'm Taking My Time

I have a lot of friends.    I have a lot of friends who are beautiful, and successful, and have achieved so much, and have really terrific lives.    And at this time of year especially, I am seeing a trend in my friends that makes me really sad, and is causing me to stop and really look at how I am choosing to live my own life.   Don’t get me wrong.    They aren’t drinking too much, or doing bad things.    They aren’t being unkind to me, or treating others with disrespect.    They aren’t texting while driving or cursing, or generally hurting anyone. Except themselves. And as I look at them, I see my own reflection.    And for whatever reason, at this time…..the end of the year…..I feel it more strongly than before.    I feel a need to change. It’s tradition.    The end of one year, signals a rebirth of sorts in the form of New Year’s resolutions.    We have all done it.    We vow to lose weight, to be a better person, to recycle, save money, donate to charity, run a

“I am the only person in my life who consistently gets in my way.” This thought has been flowing through my brain since yesterday. I had a particularly hard day yesterday, and sitting in my car with tears running down my cheeks after a tough experience at the gym, these words came into my head and have been playing over and over and over since.  And being who I am, I have been trying to figure out what the hell to do with the thought.   I was at the gym working with my trainer, and we are working on strengthening a shoulder injury I got through some unknown  means, and things were hard, and I was feeling weak and sorry for myself, and I suddenly felt all this emotion welling up through my soul.   It was visceral.   It was big.   And it caught me completely off guard.   I felt empty. It hit like the surf in the ocean, coming in waves, and it was all I could do not to succumb.    I felt my throat tighten, and my heart race, and the corners of my vision began to darken

My son came up to me and told me that he was fat.   For real. My son. And when I asked him where he got that idea he said that his "friends" told him that he had fat on his legs and that his muscles weren't hard.   For real.   He's 10.   AND he has mitochondrial disease.   AND he was born with all over hypotonia.   AND he had a tethered spinal cord.   For real.   His body has overcome all of this......And all he wants is to be skinny. When he was a baby the doctors told me that he might never walk.   They didn't know if his muscles could handle carrying the weight of his body.  There were days we weren't sure how long he'd even be with us. He starts soccer practice this week.   This boy who may have never walked, or even lived.   So I want to scream at these kids,  "HIS LEGS ARE FREAKING MIRACLES!   AND HE WILL NEVER HAVE HARD MUSCLES, BUT THE FACT THAT HE'S PLAYING SOCCER IS AMAZING! THE FACT THAT HE'S ALIVE AND THRIVING IS AMAZ

I went to the gym this morning, which in and of itself is an accomplishment because I woke up in a pissy mood, and certainly didn’t want to.    But I went.    I need to exercise this shoulder so I don’t tighten up, and I need to move to keep my brain from tightening up, so I went. But the whole time I was there…..I fought HARD not to cry.    Not because what I was doing was so hard, but because I just felt shitty, inside and out.    Lifting weights generally makes me feel better, but today, although my body feels good, when I was driving home, I was literally sobbing.   Not the kind of endorphine rush I was going for. See, as I was doing my workout, and listening to my music, I was just sort of noticing what was going on around me.    And I saw a woman, a woman I don’ t know, having a conversation with her trainer.     And even though I couldn’t hear her (nor would I presume to try….that’s rude) I knew EXACTLY what she was saying.    I knew, because I could read it on her.   

Here is a small list of things I know I want to try.    Not because it’s a new year, but because I think I am ready.  I don't want to set myself up with a list of things that I will ultimately fail at.   I want to take some time to look at what has been holding me back, and allow myself to naturally evolve into the version of myself that I want to be.   Shall we call it a my New Year's EVOLUTION? 1.   I want to begin to “let go”             What does this mean?    It means I realized recently that I am carrying around a whole bunch of stuff with me that is shaping how I handle situations and how I deal with things emotionally.    These things are from past experiences, mostly negative, and they are no longer serving me.    I would like the opportunity to react to situations for myself today, and not as myself from years past.    To be able to truly do this, I need to free myself from the feelings I carry.     I want to let go. 2.   I want to look at myself in the mir