Friday, September 17, 2010

That Bi*ch just Slapped me!

The past few weeks haven't exactly turned out like I planned.  

For the past months, I have been planning my 40th birthday.    Planning things to divert my attention away from the fact that I am getting older.   Planning fun things.   Planning some time that was just about me.   Come hell or high water, I WAS going to enjoy this change in decade.

Didn't really work out that way.

I have always said that turning 40 was going to be something to look forward to.   That I would make sure it was a time to remember.   A passage.   A true marker in my life.    I had planned to spend my 40th in Las Vegas, bringing it in rock star style with some of my dearest and oldest friends.   My husband had arranged for the weekend to be special.   We were looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, my mom fell 5 days before we were supposed to leave, and broke her hip.   Of course, I couldn't go with the uncertainty of how she would be.   That was never a question.   I cancelled my trip, changed my plans, and stayed home.   It was the right thing to do.   My mom needed me.    I love her.   I think though, that the letdown of not taking the trip, and the loss of the "celebration" also took away the diversion of getting older and feeling like time was moving ahead whether I wanted it to or not.  

On top of that, I've been suffering with a cold, some stomach troubles, and have endured my first colonoscopy.   (THAT is a blog all in itself...ha!)   Basically I've had a lot of reasons to be sad, mad, disappointed, and to spend a little time feeling sorry for myself.   "Woe is me" isn't really how I choose to live my life, so when it happens, it tends to cause a minor backslide.   This one has really tried hard to get me to focus energy on my deficits, my faults, and my perceived failures, and all I don't have in my life.

Disappointment is such a roadblock for me.   Whether it's the loss of a much anticipated birthday trip, sickness, sadness, or realizing that time forges ahead, it can really stop me cold in my tracks.    I had been moving along at such a great pace, it was bound to happen.   Reality.   Slap.  

So...I've really tried to take some time and just let myself feel sad.  Here I think is the biggest one.   It's hard to see my mom with a walker.   It's hard to realize that even though her spirit is so young that her body isn't quite as young as it might feel.   I think all of that, in combination with a milestone of a birthday that was suddenly a letdown instead of a party, created some hard circumstances.      Well, I've decided that I'm ready to stop being sad, and move ahead.   Being in the dumps requires a lot more energy than being happy, so I'm ready to give it up.   I think I've honored the feelings, and given them their space, but I'm ready to get back on track, and try to live a more positive existence.

So...I took the slap.   I dealt with disapointment, I let her have her time,  and now it's really just time for that bitch to move on out of my life.   (sorry for the language there!)   I'm tired of being tired, and ready to get back on track with my own personal goals.   I don't need a party, or a trip, or a birthday for that to happen.   I just needed to know that every day of my life is a gift.   A celebration.   Something to look forward to.    Disappointment thought she could play a joke on me and stop my progress.   WRONG!   I just took a little break.   Now I'm slapping back.  The satisfaction of fighting back is so much sweeter than any trip....