Monday, April 26, 2010

I think I'm failing French....

I think my brain is trying to tell me something.

I woke up irritated today.   I remember having all these dreams of failure and angst.   I was in a college French class (which by the way... I NEVER took) and apparently I have been skipping, because for whatever reason, I just find out that I have a 60 page paper due, like TOMORROW.   It's all stress and anxiety, and feeling like I have to drop the class, but that will mean I won't graduate..........    It all seemed so real, and I actually woke up feeling stressed and behind.   I know I DID actually graduate from college twice, so it's all perceived stress.   I figure my brain is trying to tell me something.

Then I get up and check my calendar for the day on my phone, only to find out that my calendar didn't sync like it was supposed to with my new mobile me thing, and that set me off into another little tirade of angst and anxiety.   I was actually ready to give up on the whole e-calendar idea because of this one little error (which by the way, I'm pretty sure was my fault).   I than things just not work?   How dare this computer not sync properly with my phone?  I was fairly certain again, that I was going to be screwed all week not knowing what I had ahead of me and this was going to be the ruin of my new managed life.   Can  you say irrational?   Yeah....again....I think my brain is trying to tell me something.  

No, I don't think it's telling me to quit or to give up, but rather to gain some true perspective.   I think with all that has been going on lately with my foot that I have seen this as a major setback in my training.   I don't feel like I'm getting in a good workout, I can't participate in the races I had planned on, and I generally feel like I've been rendered dead in the water.   I'm also fairly certain that without the extra effort, I'm going to gain 100 pounds, and fall backwards to where I started.   See, that's my problem.   Black and white.   No gray. So I'm guessing that's why my brain in on hyperactive duty trying to get out all my feelings at night or redirecting them towards inanimate objects.   Our dreams are a gateway to our thought patterns, and the dream I had and how it lead me to actually start my day on a negative note tells me I need to do a little overhaul on how I'm thinking.

The reality is, I'm still working out, just in a modified way, and I am still making forward progress.   I've been able to work a little more on the head games, rather than the physical game, and I generally feel good.   My foot doesn't hurt me so much I can't sleep, in fact, it's actually feeling good!   This is just a bump, not the be all and end all of my life.   Tomorrow will still come, and the reality is.....I still have PLENTY of time to complete that "60 page French paper" and to "sync my calendar."      

I really think I need to focus some time on "gray thinking."   On not looking at everything as either a success or a failure, and nothing else.   Sometimes it just is what it irritation that will go away with time.   I'm not failing.   I'm just being.   Hurting my foot isn't my fault.   It just happened.   My phone actually did sync, I just didn't have the patience to wait to see the next screen.  I can't control the world.   (EEK!)  'Nuff said.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Yay me! I did it!

I'm trying something new today in the spirit of "being me and being okay with that."   Today, I decided to NOT GO to my workout class.   Yeah...I know....newsflash, right?   Well, for me it's a really big deal.  I'm writing this now, as the alarm just went off on my Blackberry to remind me to go, and I know it's a done deal.   I'm officially playing exercise hookie!  (and guess what...the world didn't come to an end, no one showed up at my door to yell at me, and my coffee still tastes really good!)

I decided last night that I needed a mental health day.   I needed a day not to worry about what I HAD to do, and instead am going to do what I WANT to do.   Workout class right now is upsetting to me, as I can't participate completely with the boot, so I decided to take today to get some rest (both mental and physical), to recharge my really drained batteries, get a few things done I feel like I've been neglecting around the house, and maybe to do something I WANTED to do.  

So, I've decided to plant some flowers.   It's not strenuous exercise, it's not even really work, but it makes me feel good, it makes me appreciate the world I live in, and I enjoy doing it.   So, for probably one of the first times ever (and Mandy, I hope you appreciate this! )  I am playing hookie from my workout without any guilt or reservation.   I'm trying this new "balance" thing in my life....we'll see how this goes!  

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I am What I am....That's all, and That's OK!

Sometimes I try so hard to be something else.   Something better, thinner, happier, more positive, more successful, you name it.   I try so hard to change.   It's almost as if I fight until I have little left for anything else.

I am sitting up on a Sunday night, planning my week.   What do I have to do?  What are my goals.   What do I want to accomplish this week.   It seems like I always look at it as "this week I will do better at....."  fill in the blank.   Why do I have to "get better," and why do I always feel this compulsion to fix something about myself.

I wonder what will happen if I set up this coming week as a new experiment for myself.   I'm going to try to just say..."This week, I am what I am.   That's all, and that's okay."  I'm going to try to live my life on autopilot for at least this week.   To back off of the pressure to "do better" and to try to just experience life with the changes I've already made.  

I've been feeling an intense pressure to just white knuckle through to the next level, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.   I'm feeling a little tired, and a bit of a need to re-charge the batteries.   This week, I'm not going to try to be better, I'm just going to try to BE, and to be okay with that.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


I'm mad.   Today....I'm mad.  I can't give you a good reason, except that i may very well being throwing an internal temper tantrum.   I'm not getting what I want when I want it, and I'm MAD about it.   

i had my training class today, and for the first time this boot really got in my way.   I wasn't able to work out with "my girls."   My trainer, Mandy, made such a great effort for me.   She kept me busy working upper body and truly worked my arms until they felt like spaghetti.  (In fact, typing is a little hard right now.)  I wasn't able to participate in the lower body workout that everyone else was doing.   I still got a good workout in, still burned calories, and still stayed on track to ultimately fulfilling my goal, but it's not happening MY WAY.  You see, this change in direction wasn't part of my master plan.   It's messing with my personal timeline, and it is making me MAD!

I am going to let myself be a little mad today, but I have to work hard to not let it take over my entire attitude.   I'm mad at the situation.   I'm upset that I'm not in control.   And I think I might be a little scared that I'm gonna lose my momentum.    


Monday, April 12, 2010

Gratitude is a hard one sometimes.

I've been thinking today about gratitude.   What am I grateful for, and how can this help me in my journey to becoming a princess, or can it?   Sometimes I wonder if things in our life that annoy us, or that cause us to change our path midstream aren't so much nuisances, but rather things we should be thankful for.

Example....when I was pregnant with Andy (my 2nd born) our insurance changed through Jason's work.   I thought this was going to be the end of me.   I had done my research.   I had the best pediatrician for Claire, and he was going to be Andy's.   I had found the best obstetrician when I was pregnant with Claire, and I was going to have him deliver Andy as well.   Neither of these fine doctors were on our plan.  I was forced to find a doctor that was on our much smaller, much more limited plan for physicians.   I was certain that I  was going to have to settle for second best.  

As it turns out, it was a little miracle in disguise.   Because of these changes, I had a wonderful birth experience at a smaller hospital, and received much more attention than I would have at the larger "birthing center" I had Claire at.   I also found an amazing pediatrician, like the old time kind that when you talk to HIM!  (imagine that)  And as it turned out, this was the man that listened when jason and I knew something wasn't right with our son.   He is responsible for directing us to the people who eventually diagnosed and saved my son's quality of life.   Coincidence?   I think not.

I wrote a thank you note to that pediatrician today.   Sent it in the mail with pictures of my kids, thanking him for listening, for caring, and for ultimately saving my son's life.   That thank you was LONG overdue.   It felt good to write it, and it felt like I was able to let go of a little of the hurt I carry around about that time in our life.   Thanks Dr. Omari.   You rock.

So, I know that is a long story.   Sorry for that, but ultimately, I think that I need to be more grateful to those who have meant something to me, to the things I have in my life, to the universe in general, and maybe even for the uphill battles it feels like I've had to wage.  I spend a lot of time being annoyed by change and by the "bumps in the road."  (Can you say BOOT?)   Maybe I need to look beyond the annoyance and find a reason to have gratitude instead.   Anyway, today I'm just gonna give some thanks where it is deserved and see where it takes me.

Friday, April 9, 2010

A Princess's Day can be ruined by ONE BAD ACCESSORY

Okay, so yeah, I'm gung ho.   Ready for this.  Wanna get started..........

and THIS is what the doctor springs on me today after a visit and x-rays.   Yeah, I knew I had hurt something, but wasn't really expecting to be "booted up" for the next several weeks.  Seems I may have broken something.   All those years when I was a kid and I wanted nothing more than to have a cast on my leg like Kelly Koziell did after her ski trip to Colorado.   I had NO IDEA how annoying the whole thing would be.

This will definitely change my ideas of how to get started.   I have to wonder if this is the universe's way of getting me to really focus on health and my wellbeing instead of racing ahead full steam.

I can use my stationary bike (as long as it doesn't hurt), swim, and Mandy has suggested Yoga.   Rest isn't something I am good at.   I don't like being idle, so this will be a challenge, but perhaps becoming the princess is about more than wearing the tiara and running the race? (although I highly doubt it...)   I think today's lesson is that karma makes you focus on what you NEED to sometimes, rather than what you want to.   Okay, I will accept that, but really, does this boot need to be so blamin' ugly?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

From Zero to Princess in Just Under A Year

So, here I am, trying to document a goal that I have made to myself that I can complete the Disney World Princess Half Marathon in March of 2011.   To some this might not seem like a lofty goal, but for me, it's passing my comfort zone and jumping into the great beyond of the unknown.   I am not an athlete (or at least I have never thought of myself as one), up until recently I wasn't active or terribly interested in changing my life.   This for me, is a really big deal.  

I have started and stopped exercise programs so many times, so when I started training with Mandy (a.k.a. the trainer) and a bunch of other ladies at the Liberty Community Center, I didn't know how long I would hang on.   It all started in Sept. of 2009, and here I am in April of 2010 setting this goal for myself.   I had mentioned it once in a class setting, and everyone got really excited about it.   "Yeah, we can do that"  "I'm SO in."   These were the things that were said, but at that moment of saying it out loud, I knew this was something I really wanted to do, and to share with these incredible women.   So, in December, before our break, I made each of them a Princess bracelet.   Nothing fancy, just a few beads with a tiara charm on it, but to me, it was going to serve as a reminder of what I hoped to accomplish.   A little talisman of the dream I had, if you will.  It hangs on my bathroom mirror, and I look at it every day.   

I have recently felt a little hindered in my progress by an injury, and weak in my resolve to continue.   Hence, the development of this blog.   I am a firm believer in accountability.   So, here I am , making myself accountable to all of cyberspace on this one goal.   I have many thoughts on this whole process, but today it begins with me.   I am saying that I CAN do this.   The only thing that can stop me is me, so hang on world.   The ride starts today.   I am officially at t-minus 323 Days to the starting line!