Sometimes a Reminder is All We Need

I started a journey 12 weeks ago.A journey for me.A journey to be the best me I can be.
And today I am struggling.I’m struggling because the world has gone crazy and I don’t understand what is going on.I am struggling because 12 weeks of success makes me worry about when the week with no success will come.I worry about my kids.I worry about my husband.I worry about my mom, and I miss my dad.My mind is racing.I’m worried, and scared, and because of this, I want to veer from my path.
All this time, my mind has been in a good place.My focus on what is important has been strong.Today I’m struggling.
For some reason, all the old fears have crept in a little tonight.The voice that doesn’t believe in me has reared it’s ugly head, and for a short time I have been listening.“This won’t last, it never does.”
But then I walked by the kitchen, and glanced in a pile of papers I needed to file, and I came upon this.

THIS, is a really important thing.
THIS is the biggest thing I have to celebrate from the…

It's about Darn Time.

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything.
I’m not sure if I have had nothing to say, or if I’ve just needed some time to heal from my Dad’s passing.But here I am again, typing out my thoughts and trying to make some sense of them.
When my dad passed away in January I was with him in those final days and hours and minutes, and although he was peaceful, I knew he wasn’t ready.And I think a small part of him was angry because he felt he was dying because of a choice that he had made to smoke all those years.He wasn’t ready to go, and he was angry he didn’t make changes in his life sooner to live a healthier, and longer life.
I miss him.
And one day I woke up and I realized that I was doing exactly what my dad was angry about.I was dealing with my grief and sadness by eating and drinking my feelings away.I was making a choice to do things to my body that would most likely shave time off my life.I looked at my kids, and I looked at my husband, and I knew that I didn’t want this.I do…
This is what I wrote and read at my dad's funeral on Jan. 31, 2017.  I miss you every day dad.   I know they say it will get easier, but I'm just not seeing that yet.   
My dad was a builder.
And I say that, not in the sense he was a carpenter, although we all know he loved working with wood.I can’t look in any room of my house without seeing something he created.From Claire’s American Girl doll bed, to my grandfather clock, to the glider in my guest room, I see his handiwork everywhere.And in fact he is being buried in a metal casket because it pained him to think of all that beautiful wood going to waste.His feeling is that it was better used to create a thing of beauty than to be buried in the ground.
What I mean by him being a builder, is that he could take the pieces of things and make something beautiful.
He built our family with my mom.I don’t know many families like ours, and I contribute so much of that to the wa…

What makes me full....

I’ve thought a lot about my heart lately.
It has four chambers.It pumps blood throughout my body supplying oxygen and nutrientsto my tissues to sustain my life.In it’s most basic scientific function….it is what keeps me alive. But if you look beyond science to the essence of the heart, it represents to me so much more.   It is where my soul resides.   Where I love.    Where I hurt.   And where MY very being resides.   It’s sounds a little hokey, I know….but it’s what I believe.
I have recently had some tough days.Days where I need to fall back on what I know to be true, that I am a good person who deserves happiness, and love, and compassion….
And what I have realized, is that I think my heart is leaking.
Inside my heart, I store not only my love for those in my life, but also my love for myself, and some time ago, I think the chamber that houses my own self compassion and love, has slowly begun to leak away.It wasn’t damaged, or broken, or stolen from me….it just began to slowly see…

Musings on Back to School Eve....

Nobody warned me this would be so hard.
Growing up.It’s hard.
I watch my children change on a daily basis it seems.One entering high school for the first time tomorrow.Filled with excitement, and wonder, and terror all at once.My worry for her is being happy.Finding her place.Knowing without a doubt that she is a good person, worthy of love and happiness.That no matter who is “popular” that she is VALUABLE.A much more important and powerful adjective.
The second….my boy.Starting 7th grade.I have very strong protective feelings for him.They told us he may not walk, or talk, or thrive.And he did them all.He’s smart, and funny, and happy.I want him to see that his quirkiness is a gift.That his focus is an asset, and his contribution to this world may not be as an athlete, but he will make great things happen.He may not be a sports hero, but his life is a MIRACLE.
We watch them, our children.We watch them succeed, and we watch them struggle.We watch them grow, and become these amazing, w…