Monday, March 28, 2011

Now what?

So...as you have read in previous posts....I kind of feel like this journey isn't over.   Finishing the race and meeting my goal sort of feels like the first step rather than the end, so I've decided to keep this little pet project of mine going.   The name felt wrong now...so notice the new blog title.   "I'm Wearing the Crown....Now What Do I Do?"   I guess the journey continues.

One things I have realized is that I work well with a goal in mind, so I'm noodling on a couple of options that will be revealed soon.  I hope that you will continue to follow the path with me.   It has been an enormous inspiration to know that people are so supportive and that I am so blessed with so many great people in my life.  Thanks again.

I am in the process of starting some new and somewhat scary (for me) things.   I am no longer working with my old trainer Mandy.   (sniff.)    She is back from her maternity leave and her schedule isn't jiving with mine, so I am going to start with a new trainer, and hopefully have the success and trust that I had before.  New things are scary for me, so I'm nervous, but excited at the possibility of what could come.   So...enter Jonathon.   New trainer.   New workouts.   New start.

I"ll keep you posted on progress and goals, and of course let out my somewhat disjointed thoughts on this whole matter, so enter as you like, and thanks for sticking with me!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The kiss that awakened the Princess...

I have had a few weeks since the race to look back at this journey and to reflect on where I have come from, the roads I have taken, and the landing spot that I have found.   I went on a WONDERFUL vacation with my family, and in the relaxation and peace that only comes with sitting by a vast ocean, do I feel that I have found a little clarity.

When I started out to make this half marathon experience happen, I think that I thought it would be life changing.   I'm not sure WHY I thought this exactly, but I think on some level I thought that perhaps I would end up with all the answers to all the questions that have plagued me for the past several years.   But really, that didn't happen.   I started this journey with big grand gestures and feelings of pride and happiness, and I wanted to declare to the entire world that I was going to DO this.   It was fireworks.   Big. Loud.   Showy.   Grand.

After the race was over I found myself in a quiet place, and not really knowing what to think.   Certainly about as opposed to my starting point as I could find myself, and it was very confusing to me.  I thought that fireworks of celebration would come at the end, and that suddenly the sky would open up, and clarity that only a Princess could have would come to me.   Ha.   It's a pretty comical thought when you really look at it that way.

What I realize now is that becoming a Princess isn't about wearing a tiara and running a race and having all the answers.   It's about changing my life and becoming the person I want to be.  

I am still not satisfied with my weight and appearance.   So...I'll keep working on that.   I still have days where I want to throw in the towel.  So...I'll keep pushing myself to continue.   I still find myself wondering how I ended up where I was.     So...I'll try to find peace with my past, after all it DID lead me to where I am now.    I still spend too much time shaming myself and pulling myself down.   So...I'm gonna continue to spend more time trying to build myself up.

When I look back over this past year, I realize all that I have done, and I am thankful for the support and encouragement that I have gotten from all of you along the way.   I have had setbacks in injury, broken bones, and boots.    I have had fear, sadness, and grief.  

However, there have been MANY more positive accomplishments.   I have completed my first 10k and HALF MARATHON and done it in the time set out.   I have overcome adversity and continued to move ahead.    I have become healthier.   I am happier.   I am showing my children through example what it means to live a healthier life.   I have accomplished something that I NEVER thought was physically or mentally possible for me.   I have realized that I have a support system that is greater than I had ever imagined.   I have also seen that by sharing my own journey I was in a small way inspiring others.  I have grown so much.

Do I feel like a Princess?   No, not really.    I think that awakening in myself the part of me that CARES about ME is what this journey was about.   So maybe the race and the journey leading to it was just the kiss from the Prince that brought me back to life after many years of being in the dark.

Thank you for coming along on this ride.   I intend to keep writing, and will indeed put it out there if you care to read it.   The thing I've realized is that the journey will continue.....at least for a while.......and no matter WHAT happens, I CHOOSE to live happily ever after.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Thoughts from the throne...


Well...I did it!   It wasn't fast, or graceful,  but it was mine.   I finished the Disney World Princess Half Marathon on Sunday February 27, at approximately 9:30 in the morning.  I limped across the finish line with my foot KILLING me and very very tired, but I did it and I finished under the time frame that the race allotted.  

I have so many feelings about the experience that I don't know quite what to say.   I set out on this leg of my journey a year ago, and honestly there were many times when I questioned whether or not I would be writing this entry.   I broke my foot AND my toe.   I had bronchitis and the flu.   I had questions of loyalty. Questions of will.   Questions of determination, and questions of ability.   But guess what folks.   I DID IT!

I crossed the finish line with a re-injured foot, and a very tired spirit, but when it was over I was completely overwhelmed with the emotion of the experience.   This has never really happened to me quite like it did then....I cried, I shook, and literally couldn't breathe.   It didn't last long, but the power of that moment was so strong that I still get a little shaky when I think of it today.  

Nothing about it went like I had planned, from the snowstorm before making the kids miss school to the fact that I spent my last night in FL quietly in my hotel room with my foot on ice.   I expected to want to celebrate in a grand fashion letting the entire world know what I had done, when in reality, I am having a hard time reconciling my feelings of accomplishment.   I'm proud, I'm happy, and in a strange way, I'm sad.  

A lot of people have asked me if I would do this again.   The short answer is I don't know.   I have no intention of quitting training for something, but I can't say that this is my thing.  I have my eye on a few things, but this race has also reminded me of some things that I need to revisit with myself as well.  I have every intention of continuing the work, continuing the challenge, and continuing to push myself, but I also know that there is more to being this princess than running a race.   It's about maintaining my momentum, continuing to live a healthier life, and to continue to give myself the things I need to keep myself healthy.   

I love that I did this.   I love that I was able to be strong enough to complete it both physically and mentally.   I love that my kids saw me accomplish this goal.   I love that I proved to myself (and all the negative voices) that I CAN do this, because I DID!  

I'm hoping with time that I will have more clarity and that I will be able to share a little more insight about what this means to me.   It's big, it's good, and I'm so glad I did it, but for now I am ready to take a little break and give myself some time to just enjoy my new found sense of royalty.