It's MY Journey, and I'm Taking My Time

I have been watching the new show on television called THE X FACTOR.   You know, it's the one Simon Cowell started where people with great talent get their shot to make it big?   I don't know what it is, but something about watching people who have such extraordinary talent get a chance at their dream is so inspiring to me, and if you were looking in my window at night when I watch it, you'd probably see me in tears more often than naught.   I spent a lot of time yesterday getting caught up on DVR'd episodes, and it somehow got me really thinking about my own life.   I watched all this amazing talent and all these extraordinary stories, and I found myself wondering when my "X Factor" moment would be.... You know, I've been looking for it all my life.   That moment that would define me, and although there have been many, I wonder why it is that I can't feel like I've completed the one big thing.    When I was younger, it was fortune and fame.  

I feel like my life is full of white noise, and I can no longer hear what it is that I am supposed to be doing. So much has been going on since I last wrote.   Knee blew out, had surgery to repair that.   Found out in the process that I don't do well with narcotics, and ended up in the hospital.   Took a job.   Started job.   Already stressing about job.   Kids back in school, but also back in all their events, clubs, sports, etc.  Took over as Den leader for Cub Scouts.  (stupid move, btw)   Jason's work is taking off even more and he's gone 4-5 days a week which is good financially, but means I am home dealing with the day to day all by my lonesome.   Sigh. I am leaving in 5 days for a vacation with my family.   We are going on a cruise in the Bahamas, and for this, I should be excited, but because of the chaos and how I am feeling, I am looking at it as just one more thing I have to do .   When I realized this vacation was STRESSING ME OUT this morning, I knew it was

Have you ever had one of those weeks?   Really and truly, one of those weeks where it seems like the universe is taking a colossal crap right on your head?    Well, for me....this one is close to topping the list. I went bowling with my kids about 10 days ago.   We had a great time.   They loved it, and we laughed and danced, and just had a great time.   That is, until I woke up the next morning with a grapefruit of swelling on my left knee.   Hmm...strange.   So I went to the doctor, and they said I had probably torn cartilage or a tendon, and I would have to wear a knee brace.    Just go pick one up at the store, they said.   You can get one anywhere.  Not the news I wanted, but I was doing what they told me.   Go get a brace.   Check. So I went to Wal Mart.   I bought 3 different braces, took them home, and got the kick in the teeth that none of them fit.   One of them, labeled XXL didn’t even go over my calf.   Nice.   Just what I needed really, was a reason to obsess about my weig

Could I be okay here? This is a question a friend asked me. "Tina...what if you woke up and realized there would be no more weight loss and no more physical challenges... Could you be happy here?" I want to say yes...of course, but I don't know that I have reached that level of self acceptance. I have been struggling a bit lately with all of this self discovery and have felt "stuck" in a rut, so my friends just asked. It's a simple question. Could you be okay here? See all this time I have known a secret. I KNOW where nirvana is. It lies just below a number on a scale. Just under a size on clothing. Just below a measurement. We all say it and I am HoRRIBLY guilty of it..."my problems will be solved when I reach my goal." But you know what, I am finding more and more that my life is my life is my life no matter what the numbers, and the closer I get to my "nirvana" the more I see this idea as a fallacy. Could I be

Have you ever felt like changing things in your life requires a precarious walk across a tightrope, and one step in the wrong direction can throw you off course, tumbling to the ground?    I feel like I have been walking that tightrope for SO LONG, and today....I think I stepped off.....and nothing happened.   Perhaps this tightrope is just an illusion and the path to change is simply wider and a little easier to navigate than that. I tend to work well in very tight parameters with very clear rules.   If you move more and eat less...you will change your body.   If you eat healthier and make better choices, you will lose weight.   And the list goes on....   I like these rules.    They work.   They get me moving in the direction that I want to go.     But the problem is...when I set rules.....I inevitably end up straying from them....and then find myself tumbling to the ground.   And honestly....no one can live by the rules that I set.   They just aren't realistic. So....a little

So...as you have read in previous posts....I kind of feel like this journey isn't over.   Finishing the race and meeting my goal sort of feels like the first step rather than the end, so I've decided to keep this little pet project of mine going.   The name felt wrong now...so notice the new blog title.   "I'm Wearing the Crown....Now What Do I Do?"   I guess the journey continues. One things I have realized is that I work well with a goal in mind, so I'm noodling on a couple of options that will be revealed soon.  I hope that you will continue to follow the path with me.   It has been an enormous inspiration to know that people are so supportive and that I am so blessed with so many great people in my life.  Thanks again. I am in the process of starting some new and somewhat scary (for me) things.   I am no longer working with my old trainer Mandy.   (sniff.)    She is back from her maternity leave and her schedule isn't jiving with mine, so I am goin

I have had a few weeks since the race to look back at this journey and to reflect on where I have come from, the roads I have taken, and the landing spot that I have found.   I went on a WONDERFUL vacation with my family, and in the relaxation and peace that only comes with sitting by a vast ocean, do I feel that I have found a little clarity. When I started out to make this half marathon experience happen, I think that I thought it would be life changing.   I'm not sure WHY I thought this exactly, but I think on some level I thought that perhaps I would end up with all the answers to all the questions that have plagued me for the past several years.   But really, that didn't happen.   I started this journey with big grand gestures and feelings of pride and happiness, and I wanted to declare to the entire world that I was going to DO this.   It was fireworks.   Big. Loud.   Showy.   Grand. After the race was over I found myself in a quiet place, and not really knowing what

Well...I did it!   It wasn't fast, or graceful,  but it was mine.   I finished the Disney World Princess Half Marathon on Sunday February 27, at approximately 9:30 in the morning.  I limped across the finish line with my foot KILLING me and very very tired, but I did it and I finished under the time frame that the race allotted.   I have so many feelings about the experience that I don't know quite what to say.   I set out on this leg of my journey a year ago, and honestly there were many times when I questioned whether or not I would be writing this entry.   I broke my foot AND my toe.   I had bronchitis and the flu.   I had questions of loyalty. Questions of will.   Questions of determination, and questions of ability.   But guess what folks.   I DID IT! I crossed the finish line with a re-injured foot, and a very tired spirit, but when it was over I was completely overwhelmed with the emotion of the experience.   This has never really happened to me quite like it did then

This one step - choosing a goal and sticking to it - changes everything.              -Scott Reed- I am 5 days from the race.   Five days from accomplishing this goal.   I’m proud of myself for keeping my focus, for overcoming injury, and for giving myself enough credit to do this.  Five days from taking the first step across the starting line. I’m scared.   Nervous.   Anxious.   Excited.   All of these things.     I’m not sure if nerves are something I will overcome in these sorts of scenarios, it may just not be in my nature.   I feel a little nauseas a lot of the time when I think about it.  But I do know one thing....I am different.   I still wish when I looked in the mirror that I could just be happy with what I see.   I wish I could be better at forgiving myself.   I wish that I could judge myself by the same standards I use for others.   (I am realizing I’m often easier on others...)  Preparing for this race didn’t change some of the things I thought it would, but it has proven

"It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." ~ George Sheehan My friend Carey sent me this the other day.   I have re-read it every day since she sent it and intend to read it every day for the next 27.    I remember doing my first 5k.   I was so excited.   It was the 35th year of the Hospital Hill, and I was so proud of myself for doing it.   I wasn't in great shape, and walking 3.12 miles seemed like a huge feat.   I felt just the same facing that race that I do facing the 13.1 miles of the Princess Half.   That was a challenge for my body, just as this half is for me now.  The only difference is in who I have become on the inside in the years since then. Hospital hill ended up being a really bad experience for me.    When I should have been reveling in the accomplishment, I was wrapped up in the c

"Just keep swimming.   Just keep swimming.   Just keep swimming swimming swimming.  What do we do we swim...swim....."  -Dorie from Finding Nemo This saying is really important to me.   When Andy was having his spinal cord surgery and when he was hospitalized a lot, all he wanted to watch was Nemo.   Over and over again we watched this movie.   In fact, when he is sick to this day...he will ask for it.  He found comfort in it.   And I guess in my own way....so did I.   When things were hard with him....there was Dorie.   "Just keep swimming......"  When I wanted to give up.... there was Dorie.   It's a pretty profound life lesson if you really stop and think about it.   The only thing we can do is keep moving....Keep plugging through.    Just keep swimming. That's not to say that we don't have days that are stagnant.   Today was that day for me.   Lots of doubt crept in.   Lots of negativity, and lots of feelings from my past.   I have a name for the

I'm lucky.   Truly....one of the luckiest people in the world I think. See...this week I was able to go ahead and sign up for the race.   I have registered, bought a plane ticket, and booked a hotel.   It's a done deal.   Financial investment made.   I'm excited at the prospect of completing this goal, and being able to do it with some of my best friends and supporters with me in person and in spirit.   I'm lucky.   I'm lucky because I have really great people in my life who give me the straight poop when I need it.   Jason who said "just freakin' do this!" when I was questioning.   Robin who said "make sure you're making the decisions for yourself."  Johnna who told me "I'd hate to see this goal pass you by."   (and walked 8 miles in the gale force wind and sleet with me.  ha)   Mandy who said from the beginning over a year ago, "you can do this," and who has helped me get stronger and healthier.   My kids, w

This is my talisman from 2010.   This is what I made to remind myself (and my girls) of what my goal was.   The race.   The finish.   The life.  Being a Princess. This bracelet isn't fashionable, or expensive.   It didn't come in a fancy box....but it means more to me than a lot of my other possessions.   It is a physical reminder to me of the year I faced, the challenges I overcame, and the progress that I made.   I look at it every day, and it is there to remind me not of what I can't do, but of what I CAN. I have to be careful at this time of the NEW year, not to make resolutions I can't keep, not to set unattainable goals.   They gyms are filled to the brim with people who are determined that "this will be the year" and the tv is loaded with commercials about diet plans, pills, magic bullets.   It's a time that the media uses to try to get us to focus on how fat, out of shape, and pathetic we've become.  They want us to think that we have to co