Winner or Loser....The Decision is Mine
I do have to say though.....I am nervous. I know that I routinely travel between 13-15 miles per week in my training, and that my long days are up to over 7 miles depending on how my foot feels, but I am nervous. I'm not sure if you all are aware, but I don't exactly have the sleek physique of a seasoned runner, and my pace isn't competitive. I wiggy wog along at my own little pace, and I do okay on my own. This however, is going to be around other people. Other people who run all the time. Other people who are just using this 10k for a little "fun run." Other people who have body fat percentages of 5. Other people who might intimidate me. Yup...you guessed it. I'm guilty of self comparison. I'm not even there yet, and I'm already doing it.
There was a time in my not too distant past where I was simply (as my friend Johnna puts it) a "sofa surfer." Exercise was a trip to Target, not hours spent in the great outdoors or gym sweating my butt off. I think I'm finding that although my conditioning is better, I'm losing weight, and generally getting healthier, that it is hard for me to let go of that self image of myself. I'm not that person anymore, but obviously she still resides in my being...trying to get me to give up, and not to believe in myself.
She almost won. Up until yesterday I was telling myself..."You're not ready." "You'll probably come in last." "You'll be the biggest/oldest/most out of shape person there." "You can't win this...you will lose." She was really busy breaking me down, and making me feel like I had accomplished nothing over the past months of training. I had resigned myself that I would wait for another race to use for qualifying times for Disney. That I wasn't ready and that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't ever fit in to this athletic world of runners.
Then Johnna talked to me. (Well...actually we texted....) This is what she sent me when I expressed my nerves to her.
" Sometimes wen alone at a race, I pick someone who I do not wish to resemble ever again and just focus on staying ahead of them. Miles fly by...."
Okay...I got that....focus on the goal.... THEN she wrote.....
" I finished a marathon DFL (dead freakin last) and it was STILL 26.2 miles."
That's right. No matter where she finished, she still DID IT! So...I promptly went upstairs, sat down at my computer, and registered for the race. No matter where I am on the course, I will still have accomplished another check on my list. I will have a qualifying time for The Princess Half, and I will have a really COOL t-shirt to wear. No one, not even the speediest, tiniest, prettiest, least sweaty runner can take that away from me. So watch out competitors at the Harvest Moon 10k tomorrow.....I'll be there with the best weapon I can carry with me....a feeling of pride in myself for how far I have come. No matter how fast or slow I finish, I WILL finish. And no matter what my time per mile is....it will be mine. No one else can do this for me. It belongs to me. The only way I can lose this is by not doing it.
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