Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I Saw Myself in the "Mirror" Today...

I went to the gym this morning, which in and of itself is an accomplishment because I woke up in a pissy mood, and certainly didn’t want to.   But I went.   I need to exercise this shoulder so I don’t tighten up, and I need to move to keep my brain from tightening up, so I went.

But the whole time I was there…..I fought HARD not to cry.   Not because what I was doing was so hard, but because I just felt shitty, inside and out.   Lifting weights generally makes me feel better, but today, although my body feels good, when I was driving home, I was literally sobbing.  Not the kind of endorphine rush I was going for.

See, as I was doing my workout, and listening to my music, I was just sort of noticing what was going on around me.   And I saw a woman, a woman I don’ t know, having a conversation with her trainer.    And even though I couldn’t hear her (nor would I presume to try….that’s rude) I knew EXACTLY what she was saying.   I knew, because I could read it on her.   She hadn’t followed her “plan” and she “knew better” and she just in general was giving off the “I’ve failed again” vibe.   I’m very familiar with it, because I do it all the time.   I didn’t study her long, because I didn’t’ want to be rude or nosey, but as I moved on, I saw another woman walking  on the treadmill.   And every few minutes she would look around the entire gym with what I can only call a timid look on her face.   I know that one too….”don’t look at me.   I’m ashamed of what I look like.  I wish I was invisible.”  And I just got sad.   

As I noticed all these women, I simply wanted to go up to them and say, “You are NOT alone.   I know EXACTLY how you feel, and although we all get to where we are on different paths, the landing spot of self hate is often very similar.   And you aren’t failing at ANYTHING, and I am GLAD you aren’t invisible  Give yourself a break, and forgive yourself.  And then….LIGHTBULB….I realized this is what I needed to say to myself.

Why can’t we give ourselves a break?   At some point I convinced myself that I had to do it all and do it all well, or I wasn’t living.   But I forgot one key component here….I am HUMAN.   And being human means that some days will be better than others and some days I am just going to want a cookie to get through it, or to lay in bed and watch tv, or to read, or WHATEVER I need to do to cope, and that’s OKAY.  As humans we encounter hurt and discouragement, and sometimes when we can’t deal with it, we need to give ourselves a break from reality.   AND THAT IS OKAY!   As long as you find the place to pick yourself up and move on when you are ready.    

And right now, I am ready.   Seeing myself literally reflected back in those other women, has shown me that I am ready to let this go. 

I have been in a sad place for a bit, and it’s time to choose something else.  I am not invisible.   I am not a failure.   I do the best I can with what I have.   And today….I am CHOOSING to change my outlook.  And all because I went to the gym and saw myself.

Every day I have a choice to make when I wake up.  Today I just needed a little help from the universe to get to the right one.