Thursday, January 2, 2014

How about a New Year's EVOLUTION?

Here is a small list of things I know I want to try.   Not because it’s a new year, but because I think I am ready.  I don't want to set myself up with a list of things that I will ultimately fail at.   I want to take some time to look at what has been holding me back, and allow myself to naturally evolve into the version of myself that I want to be.   Shall we call it a my New Year's EVOLUTION?

1.  I want to begin to “let go”
            What does this mean?   It means I realized recently that I am carrying around a whole bunch of stuff with me that is shaping how I handle situations and how I deal with things emotionally.   These things are from past experiences, mostly negative, and they are no longer serving me.   I would like the opportunity to react to situations for myself today, and not as myself from years past.   To be able to truly do this, I need to free myself from the feelings I carry.    I want to let go.

2.  I want to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who I see there.
            I am tired of looking at my reflection and feeling regret and anger and disappointment.   I am so much more than a size, or wrinkle, or gray hair.   I am a woman who has value.   I am a wife, a mother, a friend.  I want to see this when I look at my own reflection.   This may well be one of the hardest things I will attempt, but I feel I am ready to give it a shot.

3.  I want to stop being lead by fear.  
            I often believe that I allow my decisions and actions to be lead by fear.   Fear of failure, isolation, gaining weight, making waves, doing the wrong thing, etc. etc. etc.   I want to make decisions with conviction and be happy in the choices I make.  I want to know that when I decide on something that I am making my decision from a place of peace and not one of constant worry of the outcome.

4.   I want to fill myself and my life up with things that make me feel good.  
            This one has to be interpreted VERY carefully, because if you are food obsessed like me, you could easily make this about what you eat.   NO!   Of course I would like to incorporate some more whole food, and make choices that make me physically feel good, but what I really mean by this is that I want to bring things that make me happy into my life.  I don’t want to HAVE to exercise and eat well, I want to focus energy on doing it because it makes me FEEL more peaceful and happy.   And with this, I must allow myself the power to NOT always be perfect and regimented, but to eat a cookie and lay around once in a while too.   I want to listen to my body AND my soul, and honor what they need without harsh self criticism or guilt.

And finally…

5.   I want to regain trust in myself.
            Somewhere along the path this past year, I feel like I have lost my way personally.   I question everything I do, and making decisions for my own well being has become a chore of playing questions over and over in my mind.    I want to get back to believing in myself and stop obsessing over what I believe people perceive of me.   I am a smart, loving, caring, intelligent woman, and I am capable of living a good life.   My decisions aren’t always perfect, but if I listen to my inner self, I trust that I DO know what is best for me.  

I think it’s important for me to write this as well.    I am a good person today, and I will be a good person tomorrow.   I am a good person if I yell at my kids.   And I am a good person if I eat a cookie.   I am a good person at size 16, and I’d be the same good person at size 10.    Nothing about what I want to work on changes WHO I am…it simply changes how I perceive what is already there.

So, it’s time for me to put a little energy into these five things .  I really believe that if I can tackle this, I can set myself up on a foundation of personal strength and peace.  To evolve into the me that actually likes herself a little more.   I’ll let you know how it goes.