Thursday, June 17, 2010

Why haven't I made THIS piece of the puzzle fit?

Tonight I am thinking of my daughter.   My beautiful, sweet, loving, DRAMATIC daughter who wants nothing more than to be liked.   Almost to a fault.

She's been having trouble with a neighbor friend.   They have been the best of buds for the past three years, but this summer, something is different.   There are hurtful words and actions, and Claire has shed many tears over this.   I, as her mother, am also struggling.   I want for my children to feel no pain, to be treated with love and respect, and to walk through life suffering as little as possible, so I am having a hard time understanding why we, and I mean GIRLS especially, can turn on one another so quickly.   It seems that we as women learn at such an early age that we have to become what others want us to be to be accepted.  We have to conform to the standards that OTHERS put on us to be accepted, rather than living by what our heart and head tell us is right.

I know that I face this challenge daily.   I want so badly to feel like I "fit" somewhere.   Like I am worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness.   What I am trying to understand is why I think that OTHERS have to like me to have all of these positive things in my life.  We always seek out approval from our friends, family, spouse, etc., when I think what we really need is to discover approval within ourselves to find where we truly belong.  Where we "fit."

I am going to really work on this so that I can lead my daughter by example and love MYSELF regardless of others.  I don't need outside approval to be happy, I need peace in my heart knowing that I am being the best person I can be.  I believe if I can find it within myself to do this, I will naturally end up in the place I am supposed to be with those who love me by my side.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I think I can see the light.

Okay "project bendy" is kicking my everlovin' arse.  

Found out on Friday that the MRI of my foot showed bone swelling and abnormalities....3 more weeks back in the boot.   A very old friend of mine has had a terrible tragedy in her life, and although we're not close like we once were, the sadness I feel for her is intense.   And...Jason and I have made some changes around our home that are going to change things for us a little, and I'm nervous.   (We're fine and very happy by the way....just some things we have had to address for the benefit of our kids and family.)

No matter what it is....sickness, sadness, money, kids, injury etc. I am finding that life is full of so many things I can't control.  Sometimes my heart is full and I feel like nothing can touch me, and other times, I feel overwhelmed and confused.    Either way though, the total upside to "project bendy" is that I am dealing with it all in healthier and more constructive ways.

#1.  Back in the I can't train like I want.   I'm still riding my bike, eating well, and keeping the faith that I'll heal in time to meet my goal.  I'm pissed, but I'm admitting it, dealing with it, and moving forward.

#2.  Sadness over tragedy....I can't begin to imagine the hurt, pain, and loss that my friend is feeling, nor do I ever want to.   Instead of feeling sad and helpless I am trying to do something good for her, trying to ease the burden by raising some money for her family by rallying our graduating class to help her out.   Money can't buy back what she lost, but it can help with what is yet to come.

#3.  Changes at home....without going into too much detail (cuz after all, even though I am blogging, some things are still private.  ha)  Jason and I have decided to make some sacrifices to put ourselves first and to try to get ourself into a position to where we feel more comfortable.   I have made hard decisions without reservation, and with little guilt (can't quite let that one go completely), knowing that I am doing what is necessary right now.

So....who would have thought.   Me.....bendy.    Taking things as they come, dealing, and forging ahead.    It's definitely new territory for me.   I'm trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, and keep it in my sights, rather than feeling that it is coming to run me over.   I'm proud of how I'm doing right now, even in the face of uncertainty.   I guess I'm adapting to my new way of doing things.   Hmmm.....not to bad.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Project Bendy is under way!

So today my friend Michelle called me and said..."they changed the weekend of the race!"    WHAT????  Seems like for whatever reason, they have changed the Princess Half dates to Feb. 25-27.   Okay....I know it's only one week, but that is one week less for training!    The new time countdown is....T Minus 268 days.'s something I don't do well.   I'm a planner, I like order.   Change makes me nervous.   I don't like it.   It can really be anything too...from a change in a weekend itinerary to where they put my vitamin water at Costco.....I don't like when things aren't where/when I planned on them being.  

I know it's silly, and really just shows inflexibility on my part, but it's part of who I am.   Maybe this can be a little summer side project for me.   To work on flexibility.    I want to become more pliable....more "bendy."

It's done me well in certain areas, I mean, my kids are EXCELLENT about going to bed on time without complaining, because I have kept them to a schedule.   I know what days of the week I am doing what or cleaning what because I keep myself to a schedule.    These things I think are okay.   I think where I need to become more "bendy" is not necessarily in schedule, but in my ability to handle those little things that pop up unexpected.    This race day schedule change is not worth worrying about.   It doesn't really even affect me.   I hadn't booked my trip, I hadn't even registered for the what's the big deal.   It's just a change in date....shortens my time by a week, but honestly, if I am  not ready by then...I'm screwed anyway.   It's not going to take anything from me if I don't let it.

So, let's get this project "bendy" started.   I am vowing to all of you....that I am going to have one day a week this summer where NOTHING is planned, and the kids and I are going to play it off the cuff. (That is 10 unplanned days this summer by the way)   We'll see how it goes.   I'm trying to look at it as a constructive thing for myself. do whatever we want on that day.   I'm going to work on taking what comes in stride, instead of seeing it, bracing myself, worrying, planning 15 different exit strategies, and freaking out anyway.   I'll keep you posted.