It's MY Journey, and I'm Taking My Time

It's time to get busy.   Time to join the fight again, and get back to what I have been working for. Tomorrow is a big day.   Tomorrow I register.   Tomorrow it's real.    Crap.   What have I gotten myself into.   Fear is the one thing that can stop me.   It's stopped me in the past, but I will NOT let it now.  I've come too far, and the prize is too close. I feel so far from the path, but am ready to get on again.     Time to jump on the wagon and enjoy the ride even if I feel like puking.

I saw a dear friend of mine at Target yesterday.   It was nice to chat, but we ended up commiserating about how we had "lost a little mojo" on the exercise front.   Me with my injury, and she with some life and home changes that had been going on.   It wasn't a bitch session, but rather....we both ended up saying we really enjoyed having the extra time we used to fill up with exercise. This really got me thinking.  I really enjoy exercise, and I am really enjoying working towards a goal, but I'm wondering if I am doing it in a completely balanced way.   I mean...having a goal is great, it's exciting, and it's such a rush to complete....but I think perhaps I have been focusing too much on the end result, and not enough on the here and now. I had noticed that the laundry was piling up, the house wasn't as clean as I liked, and I felt like I was neglecting some of the other aspects of my life.   Now that I've slowed down a little, I have regained the...

I have always loved Pat Benetar.   I sang her songs when they first came out on the radio (remember when you only heard songs on the radio?), I bought her cassette tapes in my teens, I bought her greatest hits CD in my twenties, and I even sang her songs karaoke style at my bachelorette party in my thirties (and maybe a few other times).   I still turn up the radio really loud when I hear her music.   It makes me happy, and fills me with girl power. This morning as I lay in bed not wanting to get up because it was rainy and chilly, I was listening to the radio, and guess what came on.........Pat Benetar's classic, "Hit me With Your Best Shot."   I've often said that God is my DJ, and I think that this might be yet another classic case of a higher power communicating with me through my radio.  Ha.   I've been a little down.   I went to the doctor this week, and although my toe doesn't require surgery, I do have to rest it for a while.   I can...

All I can really do is laugh....although I did cry a little. This morning in my rush to get the kids out the door so I could prepare for our visitors this weekend, I ran through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, bashed my foot into the suitcase my husband left on the floor last night when he got home, and snapped my pinky toe.    I heard the snap, I knew immediately.     Broken. So...Jason took me to urgent care for x-rays, and sure enough...the report given was...."you broke it, really good.  Snapped it.   It's not a small break"   Nice.   I held it together until the doctor left the room, and then burst into tears.   REALLY?   SERIOUSLY?    6-8 WEEKS?   It seems like I was just getting my momentum back and bam.   Now I'm on crutches, and not able to train like I want to for at least 6-8 weeks until this heals and I might need to have it pinned back into place.   (Oh yeah...and it's the same foot I have ...

I did it!   1:25:25.   That is my official time.   I made it, and maintained a pace per mile of 14.07.  I almost made my goal time, and if it hadn't been 6.2 miles through the hilly Missouri countryside  (flat course MY A**!)  ....I wouldda done it. No one stared.   No one pointed.   No one whispered.  No one laughed. I cried today when I stopped to think about what I had done.   There were times in my life when I would have never given myself the credit to do this.   Now...I can't wait to do it again.    To go farther.   To push harder.  Who would have thought that 1 hour and 25 minutes on a Saturday morning would make a such a difference difference.     I did it.   And....it was AWESOME!  

Tomorrow is a big day.   Tomorrow I am participating in my first ever 10k race.   6.2 miles.    Not a marathon, but a start. I do have to say though.....I am nervous.   I know that I routinely travel between 13-15 miles per week in my training, and that my long days are up to over 7 miles depending on how my foot feels, but I am nervous.   I'm not sure if you all are aware, but I don't exactly have the sleek physique of a seasoned runner, and my pace isn't competitive.   I wiggy wog along at my own little pace, and I do okay on my own.   This however, is going to be around other people.   Other people who run all the time.   Other people who are just using this 10k for a little "fun run."   Other people who have body fat percentages of 5.   Other people who might intimidate me.   Yup...you guessed it.   I'm guilty of self comparison.    I'm not even there yet, and I'm already doing it. There was a time i...

I've recently discovered something pretty alarming about myself.    Quiet is my kryptonite.    I think somewhere along the way, I have turned into one of those people who thrive on chaos and noise and high energy.   I don't like it.    I didn't know this about myself until recently.   I have always looked at the chaotic times in my life as hard, draining, and tiring.   But as things have been slowing down around here and returning to normal ( mom is okay, kids are okay, Jason is okay) I am feeling a little lost.   Like I don't know what my focus should be and I don't know what to do.   It's a little A.D.D. actually, like I can start one project, get hung up along the way, start another, and so on until I have nothing but a day full of half done things, and a mountain of laundry that I somehow forgot.    When life is crazy and hectic, I am a genius at list making, figuring out what needs to be done and how long I have to...

Today these song lyrics have been going through my head over and over and over, and when I stopped to look at them, it became BLATANTLY obvious why.   Slow down.  Stop rushing.   Stop pushing.  The end result will be there WHENEVER you get there to receive it.     So...enough from me....I've obviously been channeling my inner Billy.....somebody else's words are working for me today....take it away..... VIENNA - BILLY JOEL Slow down you crazy child You're so ambitious for a juvenile But then if you're so smart tell me why You are still so afraid?  Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out You got so much to do and only So many hours in a day  But you know that when the truth is told That you can get what you want Or you an just get old You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through When will you realize Vienna waits for you  Slow down you're doing fine You can't be everything you wan...

Where am I going?   This is a question that I used to have very clear and concise answers for.   I have always been a very focused person, and I do things with vigor and passion.   But when a few weeks ago, my trainer (thanks Mandy!!) put out a challenge to think about goals and where I would like to be 5 years from now, I couldn't answer.   That seems like an eternity away, and why do I need to think about it now?  Well, I ignored that challenge and didn't respond, but it hasn't left my head, so I think it's time to do a little soul searching and look at where I'm going again.  I think it's time to take a look at the BIG picture and celebrate success, learn from setbacks, and chart a new course. Success.   That's an easy one to remember.   Don't we always revel in our successes?   I mean, I've become healthier than I have ever been, I've lost weight, I've achieved strength in my body and mind, and I'm happier emotionally than I have...

The past few weeks haven't exactly turned out like I planned.   For the past months, I have been planning my 40th birthday.    Planning things to divert my attention away from the fact that I am getting older.   Planning fun things.   Planning some time that was just about me.   Come hell or high water, I WAS going to enjoy this change in decade. Didn't really work out that way. I have always said that turning 40 was going to be something to look forward to.   That I would make sure it was a time to remember.   A passage.   A true marker in my life.    I had planned to spend my 40th in Las Vegas, bringing it in rock star style with some of my dearest and oldest friends.   My husband had arranged for the weekend to be special.   We were looking forward to it. Unfortunately, my mom fell 5 days before we were supposed to leave, and broke her hip.   Of course, I couldn't go with the uncertainty of how she would be...

I'll admit it.   I have vivid dreams, and I have a pretty fun time in them sometimes.   I'm not sure if some of you who have been following me remember, but for a while...I was failing French in my dreams.   Lately, I've seemed to have taken a more "public" turn, and I am living with the Kardashian sisters.   Part of the problem here is that I have a real "reality t.v." addiction sometimes, and in particular, I am intrigued by the whole mania that is the Kardashian family and find their shows somewhat therapeutic to watch.   However, I do think that my dream means more than wanting to be the 4th Kardashian girl (remember, the younger ones are Jenners!) but maybe that I'm starting to feel like I am falling behind, and need to get my butt in gear and do a better job of "keeping up." As summer is drawing to a close, and the kids are going back to school, I am once again finding myself with a little more time on my hands, and a giant TO DO...

When we were on vacation at the lake we overheard the kids talking, and something they said has become a funny little joke in our family.   They were playing something, and all we overheard was "let's pretend we're all made out of robot parts."   We laughed and laughed, and when things get chaotic, you will often hear either Jason or I say.."let's pretend we're all made out of robot parts."    It's become the catch phrase du jour for things that seem out of hand. But truthfully, there are days where I DO wish I was made with interchangeable parts.   Where when I wake up in the morning, I could take stock of how I felt, and change out the weak parts with shiny new ones that are bigger, stronger, and faster.   This whole drama of my foot and the boot could have been alleviated by simply changing out my foot with spare parts.   But not only physically, it would be nice to be able to put in a new processor, rewire my brain, and control my emotions ...

Ding Dong....the BOOT IS GONE!   (I wish there was some way to notate sing songy voice in typing!  ha) Yup, it's true.   The dreaded boot is gone from my life, and I have been given a 3 week trial from my doctor to see how I can do without it.   So far...so Good!   I am trying to be responsible and "ease back" into my exercise, and I am so glad to not be lugging that extra bit of weight around with me. However, my experience with all of this has gotten me to thinking.   Many of you who follow me on here have written and said that it isn't the end goal of finishing the race that makes me a princess, but the epiphanies that I've had and will have along the way that simply open the door for me to see what has perhaps always been there.   I'm beginning to see some merit to this way of thinking. I have spent my entire life not giving myself credit, but instead tearing away at my own self esteem and sense of worth.    I sort of feel like I'v...

  90 days.   Tomorrow it will have been 90 days in the boot.   That is 3 months.   Too long.    Most things have a 90 day money back guarantee.   I'm not happy.   I want my money back. What have I learned in those 90 days?   1.   I have learned that wearing a boot is uncomfortable and hot. 2.   I have learned that I can continue to exercise even without the use of          my foot. 3.  I have learned that strangers feel compelled to ask you what happened and then share their own tales of woe. 4.  I have learned that things don't always go my way. 5.  Finally, I have learned that if you think you know better than your doctor, you are probably wrong. I'm not sure what this means, but I feel like to keep true to my blog, I need to write it.   I have 2 more weeks with the boot before another checkup.    Then we decide if surgery is necessary.   My vote is no. ...

Tonight I am thinking of my daughter.   My beautiful, sweet, loving, DRAMATIC daughter who wants nothing more than to be liked.   Almost to a fault. She's been having trouble with a neighbor friend.   They have been the best of buds for the past three years, but this summer, something is different.   There are hurtful words and actions, and Claire has shed many tears over this.   I, as her mother, am also struggling.   I want for my children to feel no pain, to be treated with love and respect, and to walk through life suffering as little as possible, so I am having a hard time understanding why we, and I mean GIRLS especially, can turn on one another so quickly.   It seems that we as women learn at such an early age that we have to become what others want us to be to be accepted.  We have to conform to the standards that OTHERS put on us to be accepted, rather than living by what our heart and head tell us is right. I know that I face this c...

Okay kids...so "project bendy" is kicking my everlovin' arse.   Found out on Friday that the MRI of my foot showed bone swelling and abnormalities....3 more weeks back in the boot.   A very old friend of mine has had a terrible tragedy in her life, and although we're not close like we once were, the sadness I feel for her is intense.   And...Jason and I have made some changes around our home that are going to change things for us a little, and I'm nervous.   (We're fine and very happy by the way....just some things we have had to address for the benefit of our kids and family.) No matter what it is....sickness, sadness, money, kids, injury etc. I am finding that life is full of so many things I can't control.  Sometimes my heart is full and I feel like nothing can touch me, and other times, I feel overwhelmed and confused.    Either way though, the total upside to "project bendy" is that I am dealing with it all in healthier and more constru...

So today my friend Michelle called me and said..."they changed the weekend of the race!"    WHAT????  Seems like for whatever reason, they have changed the Princess Half dates to Feb. 25-27.   Okay....I know it's only one week, but that is one week less for training!    The new time countdown is....T Minus 268 days.   Change...it's something I don't do well.   I'm a planner, I like order.   Change makes me nervous.   I don't like it.   It can really be anything too...from a change in a weekend itinerary to where they put my vitamin water at Costco.....I don't like when things aren't where/when I planned on them being.   I know it's silly, and really just shows inflexibility on my part, but it's part of who I am.   Maybe this can be a little summer side project for me.   To work on flexibility.    I want to become more pliable....more "bendy." It's done me well in certain areas, I mean, my kids are EXCE...

Today is Claire's birthday.   She's 8.   EIGHT!   Where does the time go?   It really seems like just yesterday that she was that pudgy happy little baby.    Sometimes I wish I could just put the brakes on the clock and hold each moment a little closer for a little longer. Funny I should be thinking this today.   It seems I'm always in a rush.   Gotta get this done, gotta do that.   Get to that finish line.....quick quick quick.   I'm afraid that mentality has gotten me into trouble once again.   I was released by my dr. to exercise at will when I saw him last week.   Take it easy....ease into it....that's what he said to me.    I did.   I "eased" (and I use that word loosely)  over the course of a week into 3+ miles, and today I can't walk.   Yup....rushing got me nowhere but back on restriction.   I need to slow down.   I need to listen.   I need to stop trying to hurry all the tim...

This has been a good week.   Lots of forward momentum.   Lots of feeling blessed, happy, peaceful, and lucky. I am out of the boot (mostly) and it FEELS GREAT!   I went on my first bike ride outside of my basement today, and they might have been the greatest 8 miles of my life.   It felt so good to be out enjoying the gorgeous day and feeling that I hadn't lost all the strength in my legs.   In fact....I think I did better from all that stationary biking I'd been doing for the past 4 weeks! I have also spent some time over the past several days being thankful for my life.   See, I had a friend lose her daughter this past week.   It made me terribly sad.   This girl had mitochondrial disease, the same disease that Andy has, only much much much more severe.  As my heart broke for her family, my heart also sang with joy that my son was so healthy and happy.   I'm lucky.   I have a good life.   I'm not gonna waste it. It giv...

I think my brain is trying to tell me something. I woke up irritated today.   I remember having all these dreams of failure and angst.   I was in a college French class (which by the way... I NEVER took) and apparently I have been skipping, because for whatever reason, I just find out that I have a 60 page paper due, like TOMORROW.   It's all stress and anxiety, and feeling like I have to drop the class, but that will mean I won't graduate..........    It all seemed so real, and I actually woke up feeling stressed and behind.   I know I DID actually graduate from college twice, so it's all perceived stress.   I figure my brain is trying to tell me something. Then I get up and check my calendar for the day on my phone, only to find out that my calendar didn't sync like it was supposed to with my new mobile me thing, and that set me off into another little tirade of angst and anxiety.   I was actually ready to give up on the whole e-calendar i...

I'm trying something new today in the spirit of "being me and being okay with that."   Today, I decided to NOT GO to my workout class.   Yeah...I know....newsflash, right?   Well, for me it's a really big deal.  I'm writing this now, as the alarm just went off on my Blackberry to remind me to go, and I know it's a done deal.   I'm officially playing exercise hookie!  (and guess what...the world didn't come to an end, no one showed up at my door to yell at me, and my coffee still tastes really good!) I decided last night that I needed a mental health day.   I needed a day not to worry about what I HAD to do, and instead am going to do what I WANT to do.   Workout class right now is upsetting to me, as I can't participate completely with the boot, so I decided to take today to get some rest (both mental and physical), to recharge my really drained batteries, get a few things done I feel like I've been neglecting around the house, and maybe to ...

Sometimes I try so hard to be something else.   Something better, thinner, happier, more positive, more successful, you name it.   I try so hard to change.   It's almost as if I fight until I have little left for anything else. I am sitting up on a Sunday night, planning my week.   What do I have to do?  What are my goals.   What do I want to accomplish this week.   It seems like I always look at it as "this week I will do better at....."  fill in the blank.   Why do I have to "get better," and why do I always feel this compulsion to fix something about myself. I wonder what will happen if I set up this coming week as a new experiment for myself.   I'm going to try to just say..."This week, I am what I am.   That's all, and that's okay."  I'm going to try to live my life on autopilot for at least this week.   To back off of the pressure to "do better" and to try to just experience life with the changes I've already ...

I'm mad.   Today....I'm mad.  I can't give you a good reason, except that i may very well being throwing an internal temper tantrum.   I'm not getting what I want when I want it, and I'm MAD about it.    i had my training class today, and for the first time this boot really got in my way.   I wasn't able to work out with "my girls."   My trainer, Mandy, made such a great effort for me.   She kept me busy working upper body and truly worked my arms until they felt like spaghetti.  (In fact, typing is a little hard right now.)  I wasn't able to participate in the lower body workout that everyone else was doing.   I still got a good workout in, still burned calories, and still stayed on track to ultimately fulfilling my goal, but it's not happening MY WAY.  You see, this change in direction wasn't part of my master plan.   It's messing with my personal timeline, and it is making me MAD! I am going to let myself be a littl...

I've been thinking today about gratitude.   What am I grateful for, and how can this help me in my journey to becoming a princess, or can it?   Sometimes I wonder if things in our life that annoy us, or that cause us to change our path midstream aren't so much nuisances, but rather things we should be thankful for. Example....when I was pregnant with Andy (my 2nd born) our insurance changed through Jason's work.   I thought this was going to be the end of me.   I had done my research.   I had the best pediatrician for Claire, and he was going to be Andy's.   I had found the best obstetrician when I was pregnant with Claire, and I was going to have him deliver Andy as well.   Neither of these fine doctors were on our plan.  I was forced to find a doctor that was on our much smaller, much more limited plan for physicians.   I was certain that I  was going to have to settle for second best.   As it turns out, it was a little miracl...

Okay, so yeah, I'm gung ho.   Ready for this.  Wanna get started.......... and THIS is what the doctor springs on me today after a visit and x-rays.   Yeah, I knew I had hurt something, but wasn't really expecting to be "booted up" for the next several weeks.  Seems I may have broken something.   All those years when I was a kid and I wanted nothing more than to have a cast on my leg like Kelly Koziell did after her ski trip to Colorado.   I had NO IDEA how annoying the whole thing would be. This will definitely change my ideas of how to get started.   I have to wonder if this is the universe's way of getting me to really focus on health and my wellbeing instead of racing ahead full steam. I can use my stationary bike (as long as it doesn't hurt), swim, and Mandy has suggested Yoga.   Rest isn't something I am good at.   I don't like being idle, so this will be a challenge, but perhaps becoming the princess is about more than wearing th...

So, here I am, trying to document a goal that I have made to myself that I can complete the Disney World Princess Half Marathon in March of 2011.   To some this might not seem like a lofty goal, but for me, it's passing my comfort zone and jumping into the great beyond of the unknown.   I am not an athlete (or at least I have never thought of myself as one), up until recently I wasn't active or terribly interested in changing my life.   This for me, is a really big deal.   I have started and stopped exercise programs so many times, so when I started training with Mandy (a.k.a. the trainer) and a bunch of other ladies at the Liberty Community Center, I didn't know how long I would hang on.   It all started in Sept. of 2009, and here I am in April of 2010 setting this goal for myself.   I had mentioned it once in a class setting, and everyone got really excited about it.   "Yeah, we can do that"  "I'm SO in."   These were the things that were ...