Miss Tina Blew Her Fuse....or.....How I'm Losing My "Cool Mom" Cred

I have a 10 year old daughter.   And surrounding us, our neighbors have daughters of varying ages…older and younger, and they are all friends.  Relatively GOOD friend, and have been for many years.   And as usually happens when you put a lot of young girls together, there is often drama.  Egos and hormones and jealousies arise, and eventually there are tears, snotty words, or fights.  Most conflict is minor, and play resumes quickly.

Well...this weekend, I had the windows open and was casually listening to their conversations, and I tell you what….I was flabbergasted.   They played just fine, and then for whatever reason, the conflict hit.   Now it wasn’t the conflict that hit me and rubbed me wrong, but their RESPONSE to it.  

They began cutting one another down with insults, until one was crying and the rest left her alone in her yard.   It was staggering.  

Not the words they used, or whatever it was that they were arguing about, but the fact, that even at such a young age, it was easy to cut another girl down by honing in on her weak spot and attacking.   They were being outright mean to one another, for no other reason, than because they were jealous about something.   Instead of dealing with the conflict, they turned on one another.  And I want to make this clear...MY daughter was part of this....and I was saddened by it.

Well...I had enough and I called them out on it.   I forced them to sit down and talk it out.   I told them that they had been friends for far too long to treat one another that way, and that it ended THAT MOMENT.   They need to have one another’s backs, not cut one another down.   (I’m very lucky by the way, that the kids in my ‘hood and their parents, are often more like family to me than just neighbors, so I can say this to their kids along with my own and not fear retribution…haha)

And as usually happens within a short amount of time, they had apologized, and moved on.   And the levity once again returned to our backyard compound.   But as I talked with MY kid later in the day, she could repeat every insult verbatim.   The fight was over, but the words stayed with her.

We hear it all the time.   “Girls can be Mean.”   Well you know what?   That is NOT okay with me anymore.   We excuse it away as growing up…or hormones….or being too sensitive.   I’m guilty of all those excuses.  And we continue doing this…even as adults.   I know we all make judgements and cut down one another when we feel weak, and it’s NOT RIGHT LADIES!  These young girls need to understand the power we can give one another, and see the value in treating one another with respect.

I am going to do my best, to work with my daughter, to teach her that attacking with words is no different than a slap across the face.   Both leave a mark, and often the words leave a more lasting one.    I want to teach her that using words like “ugly” and “spoiled” and “stupid” can leave a mark on someone’s soul that will last a lifetime.   I want to teach her to use words carefully, and always remember that they have had an effect on her, and they will have an effect on others too. 

I want us to teach our girls, especially those in a tight knit circle, to SUPPORT one another and have each other’s back.   They need to be standing up for each other when things get tough.   They need to understand that conflict is going to arise, and sometimes things aren’t going to go smoothly, but stooping to insults and hateful words does irreversible damage to a person’s psyche…and that their words have power.  Both for good as well as evil.

They also need to learn that words like “fat” and “ugly” aren’t okay even when used in jest.   You can joke about my weight all you want, and I will probably laugh along with you, but inside, it’s a knife to my heart.   These words are not funny.   EVER!  And I think our kids sometimes think as long as something is said with a smile or a laugh that it doesn’t count.   NOT SO!  No matter how mad or jealous you get, damaging another human being is never okay.   Even when it’s done with a smile. 

I am afraid I may be losing some of my “cool mom” cred with the girls by telling them I would no longer accept this in my yard.   I think they were a little shocked because I’m usually pretty laid back.   But from now on in my little corner of the world, girls aren’t allowed to cut one another down.  I hope that maybe for an instant when they want to react to someone with hateful words, they remember the time Miss Tina blew her fuse in the backyard and reminded them that they were all friends.  

We learn this behavior at an early age, and I think if we as women want to see change in how we treat one another as women, we need to put some focus on our girls.  

I know I’ll be putting some focus on mine.