Finding my THING...Or...When I Realized I'm NOT a Gazelle

When I started on this journey of trying to get healthy (which began actually, as a journey to lose weight) my ideas of where I would end up were very different from where I am now

I had this vision of what I would be able to accomplish.   I would be fit and thin, and I would RUN.   I would run like a gazelle.   I would be one of those people who ran every day to keep her sanity, and I would be SO PROUD of myself.   It would be just like one of those before and after success stories in magazines.   “This is Tina.   She once said she would never run unless someone was chasing her.   Now she’s preparing for her first…blah blah blah.”   Being able to run meant success.  It represented lightness….

I hit a snag in my plan though.   I don’t LIKE running, and turns out….neither does my body!

I have come to realize, that idea of running to me, meant I’d won the battle.   If only I can run for hours, I would find the peace and pleasure I had been looking for.  

It looks so glamorous when you are overweight.   The muscular bodies that make it look so effortless.   You know the type, right?   I see them when I’m driving in my neighborhood, and I envy them.   Someone who runs with ease and grace and a relaxed, peaceful look on their face.   It’s everything I thought I wanted.  

And then I started.  

Guess what.   I wasn’t graceful.   Nor was I peaceful.   It was clunky and hard.   I huffed and puffed, and felt like each step I was POUNDING on the ground.   I would run until my joints hurt and I kept waiting for that moment when I would want to keep running, even through all that.   I was never able to find peace in my mind when running.   Instead my thoughts were more along the lines of…”God I hope no one sees me.   This sucks.   My foot hurts.   How many more minutes?”  I couldn’t figure out WHY I wasn’t finding the peace that I see all the time on the street, and in EVERY running magazine.   I mean after all, if you google fitness images, a vast majority feature runners climbing a mountain and saying “just do it.”   So I kept trying.

I did the half marathon, and I ended up with a broken foot and a torn meniscus.   So I stopped for a while.   A long while, actually.   My body healed.   I kept up with my fitness in other ways.   And then….

A few months ago…the thought hit me again.   Tina…you should RUN!  

So I started.   I signed up for a 5k, and started training.   And guess what.   I STILL hate it.   Within weeks, my old foot injuries had flared up, and my knees are hurting.  

So I began to ask myself, WHY am I doing this again?

And like a flash of lightening, the reality hit. 

Because somewhere in the dark corners of my mind, I am STILL not a success with fitness unless I CAN RUN!   On some level, even with my new ideas on health and fitness, I STILL held close to that belief that if I was truly going to be a healthy fit person, I would need to be able to run.

And I noticed something.   I see so many women who are trying to lose weight whose ultimate end fitness goal is more often than not, RUNNING.   Be it a 5k, or a marathon, it’s a sign of success.   It’s an interesting phenomenon really.   Some will take to it, and some won’t, and I guess I want those to know that if you hate it completely, if it’s hard and you realize that you just aren’t cut out for it, that doesn’t mean you failed.   It’s just not your THING.

Now, please do not think I am slamming on running.   I know and love a LOT of people who run.   For them, running is everything I WANTED it to be for me.   It’s their therapy, their joy.   It’s their THING.   I love that.   I ENVY it.   And I will be happy to stand at the finish line as they cross and cheer my heart out.  

I just don’t want to DO it anymore.    And I have realized something in the past few weeks as I nurse my sore foot and knees…..I DON’T HAVE TO to be successful.  My name is Tina, and I will NEVER be a gazelle.

It’s a simple concept really, but one it has taken me a long time to realize.   Running is NOT my THING!   I’m fairly certain my THING should be something that gives me the joy that I was envious of in runners, but never found for myself.  It should make me feel good, and give me positive thoughts, not negative ones.   It shouldn’t cause me to break bones or tear up my knees.   It should make me feel positive, and empowered, and strong.   I shouldn’t dread doing it.

So here’s my point….don’t think that you aren’t successful because you can’t fit your life into someone else’s mold.   Running isn’t my thing.   That doesn’t mean I am not fit and healthy.   It doesn’t mean that I have failed.   It just means it’s not for me.  My successes aren’t found at the finish line of a race.  

I enjoy strength training.  It makes me feel happy.   I leave feeling like I have accomplished things.   My muscles ache when I’m done, but in a good way, not in a “holy crap, I just broke myself” kind of way.   I don’t dread it.   I look forward to it.   When I’m doing it, I have positive thoughts (mostly) in my head.   It’s a good thing.

It’s MY thing.    And I’m glad I’ve found it.

I hope you can find yours….and more importantly, be open to whatever it might be.