Game over....
You know
what this is a picture of? It's the
space in my bathroom where my scale USED to live.
I say
"used to" because I had my husband take it away for good today. I can't have it. It breaks me.
I made a
critical error today. I stepped on it for
the first time in about two months. I
felt strong. I felt confident. And for that split second I felt that I
needed validation of what I was feeling, so I looked to my nemesis the
scale. And guess what, as it always has
in our torrid love affair....it let me down.
It broke my spirit.
Immediate. Bam!
That
number is something that in one fail swoop momentarily stripped me of all the
positives I felt. My heart sunk, and my
spirit cracked. I sat in my bathtub and
cried.
I work so
hard. SO HARD. I am strong, and healthy, and compassionate,
and kind. I don't cheat at this. I try to live it. And that one stupid step took a little piece
of that away. It tried to steal all my
thunder.
For a few
moments I felt it, but I recovered. I
recognized the feelings, and although I couldn't make the immediate emotion of
it stop completely, I was able to see the truth behind it. I won't quit and I will keep trying. If you've never had this sad relationship
with your weight, this might sound pathetic, but it truly is that simple. Weight for me is a pass-fail option. I'm either losing or gaining. One is a win and one is a lose. It doesn't matter what the number is, it
doesn't matter if I stay the same....one way wins and the other loses. It's really not a fair game to play with
myself.
So I
asked my husband to take it away. I
don't know where it went. And I don't
really care. Today I saw with true
clarity how it breaks me just a little each time I use it. And even though I can go months without it,
I WILL eventually step back on...."just to see." And that "just to see" will break
me a little each and every time, and it takes a little piece of my success from
me.
So...I
hope this time I'm really done. I'm
tired of fighting a battle I just cannot win.
So I kicked the scale to the curb ( or wherever jason put it) and am
going to do my best to refocus on what has been feeling good and successful and
true. And eventually I hope I won't
even notice the vacant spot on the floor where it used to sit.....
Oh much love and hugs. I know that feeling so well. I am gonna write a post about my scale journey. And why I still weigh to keep it from breaking me. EVERYONE is different. Do not give that little shit another thought. It is a number. You are amazing. And amazing is dense. Shallow don't weigh a thing. Know you are loved. Know you are admired. Know you are such a phenomenal example to so many of us.
ReplyDeleteScales are the mean girls in high school who judge you and are now probably married to a loser living in a double wide.
Be gentle. And kind. And loving.
Treat yourself the way you would your daughter of she started an I suck because the scale says I do rant.
You have already been brave today.
This post made me cry. Really. Because I absolutely get it and I want to come give you a hug. I could have typed this very post. You made a very good choice letting Jason take the scale away. You are awesome. You are strong. Your are beautiful - inside and out. You don't need a scale to tell you that. Love you!
ReplyDeleteWe haven't had a scale in a few years. I still get weighed at the Dr's, and yesterday and I had tiny letdown when I weighed a little more than I thought I would, but I have a mission to love myself right as I am. I feel like that's my blue-brotherian mission from God. I keep saying I'll love myself when I meet my list of demands, but I never will, they will keep being demanded. It has to stop somewhere, so I'm determined to not let someone else tell me how to think and feel about myself. It is easier to feel better about ourselves when we meet society's demands...the thing is, do we ever feel we do? Remember how skinny I was when I started college? Yet I didn't feel beautiful. As an adult, and gaining and losing too many times to count, I ended up on the large side again and one night, I remember it well, I had been looking at a stomach surgery site online, decided to stop torturing myself. I thought of my mother, who is gorgeous and who, btw, has never gotten beyond a sz 16, and who at a 8 or 10 now still can't see her beauty because she keeps comparing herself to her teenage self. Eventually I just said screw it. I'm tired of torturing myself for my weight. I'm mad so many awesome and beautiful/handsome people hate themselves because they can't meet some preset demand. So, I decided to try to focus on gratitude,and on growing my love for myself,and that's where I've been. The thing is, Tina, you are lovely, and you are fit! You are in great shape! And your shape is great, too! You are a beautiful woman. Look at that word! It actually the shape of a woman in it...the roundness, the curves..and peaks! lol look at "teen"....just a tiny bit of roundness there. Remember being a teen and waiting for your curves to come in?? We need to celebrate them! Yes, there are moms that have ten kids and wear a size 4 and that's fine. But most women soften and round after kids and/or as they get older, heck most people do. Anyway, I love you, beautiful friend, and I'm glad you dumped your scale. You are too awesome for that little contraption to measure, anyway.
ReplyDelete