I'm Tossing the Map

Sometimes looking back on things makes you especially thankful for what you have.

Today is Jason and my anniversary, and over the years we have made it a tradition to watch our wedding video to remember that day.   We watched it with the kids tonight, and after that they begged us to watch more videos of them as babies.   It was a lot of laughs, and some very poignant tears as well.  We were glad to see the happiness, yet sad to see those faces of those who are no longer with us.

We wrapped it up and moved on with our night, but I have to say, I have been left with a feeling in my chest that is somehow a cross of sadness and extreme gratitude.   I know I have written about gratitude before, but tonight, it just feels like something I have to do.

I know that on that day 12 years ago, I had so many thoughts about where my life was heading.   Jason and I had mapped out so much of what we THOUGHT would happen, and believed that we would be able to share so much of our lives with the ones we loved.    We had a PLAN, or a map of sorts, and we were on our way to the life we had always dreamed of.

I know now, that living life with a predestined roadmap just gets you nowhere.   It wasn’t long into our marriage that we realized that our map was no longer readable.   We lost someone very close to us, had a baby, and I quit my job.   Nothing was happening the way we had plotted it.  

And through many challenges, from Andy’s health, to our own at times, from money, moving, job changes, and starting new, we have found our way.   We have found a path that although not mapped out, is comfortable and easy to follow.   We don’t always know what is around the bend, but we know that if we are facing it together…we’ll be fine.  So there’s the gratitude…

But I also said there was sadness. 

As I write this though, I think perhaps the more correct feeling is one of lingering nostalgia.   I have nothing in my past to feel sad about, but I think I hold a small amount of nostalgia for that time in my life when all was new and shiny, and when I still had the luxury of thinking I could control whatever life might bring my way.  

I do not regret one choice or one minute of my life.   There have been moments that I thought I would never survive, and moments of unimaginable joy, and all of these moments have come by walking the path of this life that I have chosen for myself.  I was lucky that day that I walked down the aisle.   I had a dream of a wonderful life ahead of me…..and although the life I have lead doesn’t resemble THAT dream in the least,  it has proven to be much more.   I am happy.   My family is healthy.   And we are blessed.  

I think tonight I may have finally tossed that original roadmap out the window.   Maybe seeing all those wonderful memories allowed me to see that this “road less traveled” has brought me to an even better destination and helped me to understand that as time passes (and it always does), dreams change.   So rather than try to map it out for myself from here, I'm going to trust in my instincts.   After all, they've brought me to this place.....and I'm happy to sit here for a while.