Finding my Place in a crowd.

"It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." ~ George Sheehan

My friend Carey sent me this the other day.   I have re-read it every day since she sent it and intend to read it every day for the next 27.   


I remember doing my first 5k.   I was so excited.   It was the 35th year of the Hospital Hill, and I was so proud of myself for doing it.   I wasn't in great shape, and walking 3.12 miles seemed like a huge feat.   I felt just the same facing that race that I do facing the 13.1 miles of the Princess Half.   That was a challenge for my body, just as this half is for me now.  The only difference is in who I have become on the inside in the years since then.


Hospital hill ended up being a really bad experience for me.    When I should have been reveling in the accomplishment, I was wrapped up in the comparisons.   How I didn't look like the "runners" and how I finished a 5k at the same time that the first half marathoner finished their 13 miles.   (I laughed about it, but inside, it truly upset me.)  I ended up in a really bad place for a while after that race, because I wasn't doing it for me.   I was still wrapped up in the self blame and shame game.  I didn't feel that I belonged with "those people."   I quit working out after that race.   I quit for over a year.   I gave up.   I couldn't change my thinking, and because of that, I couldn't move forward.  In that instance the little voice won.


Things feel so different for me now.    I feel like I have found a spark within myself that is fueling the fire this time.   I have my days.   There is no denying that, but I do believe that the only competition I face in this challenge is myself.   When I cross that finish line, I will be proud.   Proud of myself for coming this far, for keeping a promise to myself, for continuing to challenge myself both mentally and physically, and for proving to myself that I am worth this.  This time as I stand with all the runners I will know that I am there for me and no one else.  I will find MY place in the crowd and I will know that I deserve to be there.   That little voice doesn't have a chance against me this time.


So, thanks Carey.   The little piece of wisdom you sent me will help me through the next 27 days.   As the fear and apprehension was creeping in, you somehow sent me the nugget I needed at that particular moment to keep my head (and spirit) in the right place.