Tonight I Choose to Shut the Door.
I preface this writing with a note for you….in case this is
confusing in anyway. Sometimes I talk
about “parts” of myself like they are separate from me. It makes it easier for me to separate from
them, but could potentially make you think I have multiple personalities. Ha!
Not the case…..it’s just a process for me. So with that minor explanation….I will
proceed.
I had a visitor tonight.
While I was beginning to pack up for my vacation in a few days, I
realized that there had been someone banging on my mental door all day. And once I realized who was there, I had a
hard time telling her to leave.
See, we are leaving in a few days for Hawaii. If you know me, you know this is one of my
favorite places on the face of the planet and when I am there, I reach a place
of Zen. It’s my happy place. It’s a place where I just genuinely find my
peace. So all week, I have been excited
to pack. To get ready to go.
And then today, I woke up with a nagging feeling of upset
and sad. I couldn’t figure it out. I spent the day preparing things. Doing laundry, packing, making lists. Usually this type of planning brings great
joy, because it is leading me to a place I love. Today….not so much.
But I plugged on.
Doing what needed to be done. And
when I started trying to get my clothes together, it began to dawn on me. I didn’t want to pack. I didn’t want to put my clothing
together. Fat Tina had entered the
house.
Sometime earlier in the day, I had allowed her to step into
my thinking. She was there when I woke
up and over the day, she worked her way into the back of my brain. She began whispering quietly in my head and
told me that I wasn’t deserving of this trip.
That I would stick out as the fat girl.
That I would never look good, or have fun, or be able to fit in. She told me that because I am not perfect, because
I hadn’t lived a “perfect” life, I don’t get to have this.
And I listened.
I tried on clothes I wore just a few days ago, and suddenly
they were too tight. I could see every
bulge, every bump. I made my husband
look at every piece of clothing that I was trying, and give me an
evaluation. I tore my closet and drawers
apart. And then it hit me.
That bitch was back.
I had opened the door. I had
started listening. And she jumped at
the opportunity to slam me down.
So I stopped. I put
my clothes in my suitcase, and I shut it. They will fit. They will work. And I will NOT let “her” steal my joy.
So why today? What
allowed the door to crack open and let her in?
They were stirred up by things in the news, things I had
been reading, by a variety of things. It was my insecurities about being good
enough. That Same. Damned. Battle.
Until I am able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and
truly accept, love, and forgive myself for who and where I am now, and more
importantly where I have BEEN, she will always wait for opportunity to get to
me.
I wish I could tell you that tonight I had the magic
bullet. That tonight I have found self
love and acceptance. That I had
miraculously forgiven myself of what I perceive as my “sins.” I didn’t.
I still struggle with all of that.
I’m struggling with it as I write this blog. I will probably struggle with it tomorrow as
I continue my preparations because it’s hard for me to let go of the thoughts
once they are in my head. But what did
happen tonight that is new and noteworthy, is that I managed to stop her before
she completely shut me down. I was
able to recognize what was happening and at least step away.
So as I sit here in this new place, my head isn’t quiet of
the thoughts she planted, but it’s clear enough to realize that they have no
place in my world, and that I am working to put them to bed. I have a great trip coming up, and I intend
to enjoy it.
I am deserving. I am
worthy. No one will stare. I will be fine. And I’m shutting the door in her face
tonight. And that is a powerful thing.
What a wonderful and sweet gift. You didn't yell or scream at her or even argue with her. You just shut the door.
ReplyDeleteYou made a choice.
You chose peace.
This is huge.
You are an inspiration.