Tonight I Choose to Shut the Door.

I preface this writing with a note for you….in case this is confusing in anyway.   Sometimes I talk about “parts” of myself like they are separate from me.   It makes it easier for me to separate from them, but could potentially make you think I have multiple personalities.  Ha!   Not the case…..it’s just a process for me.   So with that minor explanation….I will proceed.

I had a visitor tonight.   While I was beginning to pack up for my vacation in a few days, I realized that there had been someone banging on my mental door all day.   And once I realized who was there, I had a hard time telling her to leave. 

See, we are leaving in a few days for Hawaii.   If you know me, you know this is one of my favorite places on the face of the planet and when I am there, I reach a place of Zen.   It’s my happy place.   It’s a place where I just genuinely find my peace.   So all week, I have been excited to pack.   To get ready to go.  

And then today, I woke up with a nagging feeling of upset and sad.   I couldn’t figure it out.   I spent the day preparing things.   Doing laundry, packing, making lists.   Usually this type of planning brings great joy, because it is leading me to a place I love.   Today….not so much.

But I plugged on.   Doing what needed to be done.  And when I started trying to get my clothes together, it began to dawn on me.   I didn’t want to pack.   I didn’t want to put my clothing together.   Fat Tina had entered the house.  

Sometime earlier in the day, I had allowed her to step into my thinking.   She was there when I woke up and over the day, she worked her way into the back of my brain.   She began whispering quietly in my head and told me that I wasn’t deserving of this trip.   That I would stick out as the fat girl.   That I would never look good, or have fun, or be able to fit in.   She told me that because I am not perfect, because I hadn’t lived a “perfect” life, I don’t get to have this.

And I listened.

I tried on clothes I wore just a few days ago, and suddenly they were too tight.   I could see every bulge, every bump.   I made my husband look at every piece of clothing that I was trying, and give me an evaluation.  I tore my closet and drawers apart.   And then it hit me.

That bitch was back.  I had opened the door.   I had started listening.   And she jumped at the opportunity to slam me down.

So I stopped.   I put my clothes in my suitcase, and I shut it.   They will fit.   They will work.   And I will NOT let “her” steal my joy.    

So why today?   What allowed the door to crack open and let her in?  

They were stirred up by things in the news, things I had been reading, by a variety of things. It was my insecurities about being good enough.   That Same. Damned. Battle.

Until I am able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and truly accept, love, and forgive myself for who and where I am now, and more importantly where I have BEEN, she will always wait for opportunity to get to me.  

I wish I could tell you that tonight I had the magic bullet.   That tonight I have found self love and acceptance.   That I had miraculously forgiven myself of what I perceive as my “sins.”  I didn’t.   I still struggle with all of that.  I’m struggling with it as I write this blog.  I will probably struggle with it tomorrow as I continue my preparations because it’s hard for me to let go of the thoughts once they are in my head.   But what did happen tonight that is new and noteworthy, is that I managed to stop her before she completely shut me down.    I was able to recognize what was happening and at least step away.

So as I sit here in this new place, my head isn’t quiet of the thoughts she planted, but it’s clear enough to realize that they have no place in my world, and that I am working to put them to bed.   I have a great trip coming up, and I intend to enjoy it.

I am deserving.   I am worthy.   No one will stare.   I will be fine.   And I’m shutting the door in her face tonight.   And that is a powerful thing.