It's about Darn Time.

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything.

I’m not sure if I have had nothing to say, or if I’ve just needed some time to heal from my Dad’s passing.   But here I am again, typing out my thoughts and trying to make some sense of them.

When my dad passed away in January I was with him in those final days and hours and minutes, and although he was peaceful, I knew he wasn’t ready.   And I think a small part of him was angry because he felt he was dying because of a choice that he had made to smoke all those years.   He wasn’t ready to go, and he was angry he didn’t make changes in his life sooner to live a healthier, and longer life.

I miss him.

And one day I woke up and I realized that I was doing exactly what my dad was angry about.   I was dealing with my grief and sadness by eating and drinking my feelings away.    I was making a choice to do things to my body that would most likely shave time off my life.    I looked at my kids, and I looked at my husband, and I knew that I didn’t want this.    I don’t want to face the end of my life with any regret.

So I’m changing.

I’m not going into a lot of detail, because HOW I am doing this isn’t as important as WHY I am doing this.   

I am doing this, because I want to know that I have done all I can to preserve my body and my health so that I can be around to bug my kids for a long time.   I want to be able to travel and do the things I love without feeling the strain of a weakened body.   I don’t want to be sick.   I don’t want to be heavy.  I don’t want my knees and back to hurt.   I don’t want to have regrets.

So I’m changing.    

I have decided to take the time I need to focus on ME.   My kids are old enough now that I can explain what I’m doing.   I don’t need a sitter to go to the gym.   There are no excuses anymore.

To some, what I’m doing at times may seem selfish.    I’m taking focus away from my family, and putting it solely on me.   But you know what?   It’s time.   In the long run, the time I am taking away from being a wife and mother is going to make me a much happier, and HEALTHIER person.

I am not doing this to be skinny or wear a smaller size. I am not doing this for a smaller number I have in my head that I want to see on the scale.  I am just doing this to be better.   To be happier.   To be the best version of ME that I can be.

I miss my dad every day.    I miss picking up the phone to ask for his advice.    I miss hearing him tell awful jokes.   I miss our talks.    But I know this, he would be proud of me for making these changes, and he would be happy if I took his passing, and the grief and sadness I feel,  and used some part of that to change my life for the better.   He always told me to put myself first once in a while, so I am.  

So right now, I come first.   And it sort of feels like it’s about time.

Thanks Dad.  I’ll do my best to make you proud.