What makes me full....

I’ve thought a lot about my heart lately.

It has four chambers.   It pumps blood throughout my body supplying oxygen and nutrients  to my tissues to sustain my life.   In it’s most basic scientific function….it is what keeps me alive.

But if you look beyond science to the essence of the heart, it represents to me so much more.   It is where my soul resides.   Where I love.    Where I hurt.   And where MY very being resides.   It’s sounds a little hokey, I know….but it’s what I believe.

I have recently had some tough days.   Days where I need to fall back on what I know to be true, that I am a good person who deserves happiness, and love, and compassion….

And what I have realized, is that I think my heart is leaking.

Inside my heart, I store not only my love for those in my life, but also my love for myself, and some time ago, I think the chamber that houses my own self compassion and love, has slowly begun to leak away.  It wasn’t damaged, or broken, or stolen from me….it just began to slowly seep away.  And I don’t even think I noticed….until the day I needed it, and there just wasn’t enough there.

I can feel my heart physically beat strong in my chest.   I can see my heart rate on my monitor I wear on my wrist.   But I can’t FEEL the part of it that makes me feel strong.   It’s working on the scientific level, my blood is pumping, but the essence is tired. 

So, in thinking about my heart, I know what I need to do.   I need to once again find kindness and compassion for myself.   I need to allow myself to care for my own needs, and feel what needs to be felt.   I need to remember, that I am not always a pillar of strength, and sometimes I need to lean upon others to keep me growing strong. 

I need to remember that quote about not being able to fill other’s cups if my own is empty.  

But more than all of that, I think I need to take a minute every day, and place my hand upon my heart and feel it.  Feel it beating.   Feel it pumping my blood, and remember what that means.   This life I have is powerful and true. I need to remind myself that there is room in my heart for love and compassion for myself as well as those that I love so dearly.  That will keep my spirit strong.   It will make me a better mother, a better wife, and a better friend.   It has to start with me.

So I guess I’ll start there.