Get Out of My Way!

“I am the only person in my life who consistently gets in my way.”

This thought has been flowing through my brain since yesterday.

I had a particularly hard day yesterday, and sitting in my car with tears running down my cheeks after a tough experience at the gym, these words came into my head and have been playing over and over and over since.  And being who I am, I have been trying to figure out what the hell to do with the thought.  

I was at the gym working with my trainer, and we are working on strengthening a shoulder injury I got through some unknown  means, and things were hard, and I was feeling weak and sorry for myself, and I suddenly felt all this emotion welling up through my soul.   It was visceral.   It was big.   And it caught me completely off guard.   I felt empty.

It hit like the surf in the ocean, coming in waves, and it was all I could do not to succumb.    I felt my throat tighten, and my heart race, and the corners of my vision began to darken and I could feel tears and frustration and anger and sadness, and I stopped.   Inside I felt like an emotional explosion had happened and I was going to have a panic attack.   I looked at my trainer and said “I’m done.” 

And I wasn’t done because I had worked too hard and felt like I was going to pass out.   I was done because emotionally I couldn’t do it anymore.   So I shut myself in the office, and talked to my trainer about what was going on, and what hard a time I was having, and how I worried about this, and that, and them, and how I worry all the time, and how OVERWHELMED I am, and how shitty it all felt.   

And he didn’t shame me.   And he didn’t look embarrassed or confused.   He listened.   And I talked.   And when I was done, he said to me that I am putting myself at the bottom of my list.   And I left with this thought….

“I am the only person in my life who consistently gets in my way.” 

And I have spent the better part of 24 hours thinking about what this means.

And here is what I have come up with….

My priority is not me.   And until I realize that I deserve to be a priority to myself, I will continue to be overwhelmed with these feelings.   I have value, and until I recognize my own value, I will continue to overwhelm myself with self doubt, hate, and shame.  

I am not programmed to be selfish.  I think most women aren’t.   But I’m pretty sure when this self preservation gene was handed out, I missed the memo.   I don’t hold myself in a place of prominence, and when I start to, I allow other things to easily nudge me out until I am no longer on the list at all.

When I lower myself to the bottom of the barrel, I give up on the things that make me better.   That fulfill me personally.   That make me a whole human being.  And I am left feeling like I did yesterday.   

I cannot continue to put myself dead last, because by doing this, I am telling myself that my needs and desires are inconsequential and trivial and that I don’t deserve to want them.   Therefore, I am not worthy or having them.   Therefore I am not worth it.  

This is not the truth I want for myself.

In so many aspects of my life, I have shut down my own needs by putting myself last.   In being a wife and mother, I think this is easy to do, but it’s time I carve out a little piece of my world for me to do the work I need to do to complete myself.   I think I deserve it.   Don’t I?

So I am going to attempt to become a champion for myself.   I am going to exercise my God given right to say “NO” when I am overwhelmed with things to do, and I am going to give myself the permission I need to do a few things for myself without feeling guilty.   I am going to try each day to look at myself as I would someone else, and hold myself in a place of compassion and caring.    I will try to tell myself it’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes.  I am going to try to move gently from the place where I see myself as an enemy not to be trusted, instead to seeing myself as a stronghold for myself.   Where I can feel safe and worthy and whole.   

And then, maybe when the world starts to feel chaotic and scary, and I feel like I have a million things to worry about, I can rely on myself for strength.

I deserve to be on my list of priorities dammit.   So I guess after nearly 44 years, it’s time to get the hell out of my own way.